It’s Finally Legitimate Reason To Wear Blackface Day!

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By A White Woman

I love wearing blackface. I’m not sure why, to be honest with you. I guess, just like anything else, it probably has something to do with it feeling naughty. I know it’s wrong, I know that it was used to keep a race of people down even further than we’d already lowered them, but none of that matters on Halloween. You see, on Halloween you can dress as any sort of scary creature you want! Whether you want to dress as a spooky goblin, a scary witch or a black person, it’s no-holds-barred on ol’ Hallow’s Eve! It’s a judgement free zone, and I’m taking full advantage!

Now I know I make some people mad, and I think those people are terrible. You’re going to think less of me just because I’m dressed as a black person? That’s pretty messed up. Do you get mad at people that dress up as serial killers? No, of course not, because it’s Halloween, so it’s fine. If somebody dressed up as Jeffrey Dahmer any other day of the year, sure, you’d be weirded out, and you should be. But people are just so uncomfortable with black people that I find people treating me very differently. Sometimes people won’t even meet my eyes for the whole night! Then for a few weeks after, they don’t say hi when they pass me in the hall at school. What gives? I thought you were all better than that. Treating me that way just because you saw me with black skin. I guess I have to start choosing my friends better.

I especially get this sort of treatment from my black friends, which is really messed up! You guys are black! How could you hate your people so much? I’m trying to do a homage to your culture over here and you won’t even acknowledge it? Is it modesty? I bet it’s modesty, of course! You’re so impressed by how well I pull off being a black person, and you’re just so proud of me for being one of your most progressive friends, that you can’t look me in the (black)face because you’re afraid you’ll start shedding tears of joy! That must be it! I’ve misjudged you, and I’m sorry for that.

You white people that get offended, though, fuck you. You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about. If you had as many black friends as I do (3), you’d know that black people LOVE having their differences pointed out. Being black is something special and completely different than being white, and they like to be treated that way. For example; if you find yourself hanging out with more than one black person at a time, be sure to point out that it feels like a Tyler Perry movie. They love it. If you don’t know who Tyler Perry is, he’s made just about every popular black comedy in the last twenty years; Barbershop, Friday, Juwanna Mann, The Nutty Professor and Shaft. All black people consider him a personal hero and like to be reminded of him as often as humanly possible.

You know what else I bet black people love? Having white friends that are proud of them, like me. I tell everyone that I have three black friends, and you should see some of the responses. At most I usually get a tight, polite smile. At worst one woman told me that I really shouldn’t say that. Wow, really? You’re that offended that I have three black friends? I told her that I know people that have as many as five black friends, and she got real uncomfortable and walked away. The nerve! Trying to tell me to keep my black friends a secret! People are messed up, man. I thought things were going to be different by 2015. I thought we were going to be more advanced as a society, as a species, but here we are. What kind of world is this? Who have we become that being a black person is the most offensive Halloween costume of all?

How far have we sunken that I can’t wear blackface?