ISIS Takes Credit for Terrible Haircut

hair

Tragedy struck a small Ohio town this past weekend when resident Daryl Brown received a haircut that was so poor some labeled it an act of terror, yet no one was taking responsibility, until now.

ISIS claimed in a video uploaded to YouTube under the screen name “taircut420” that they were indeed responsible for the truly awful haircut, proclaiming that American greed had made haircuts around the world weak and ineffectual, that it was far past time for us to suffer under the same conditions. They said that the U.S.A. had made it all but impossible to get a decent pair of scissors anywhere but in their country.

Why they targeted Daryl still remains a mystery, however. “I don’t get it, I’m a nice guy. There’s nothing nefarious or special about me in any way. I put my pants on two legs at a time by jumping off of the bed and maneuvering into them midair like anybody else yet ISIS thinks I deserve this?” Daryl said to us late Monday afternoon mere minutes after the news broke, “I never had a bad thing to say about ISIS before this, I really didn’t. I mean sure, our politics didn’t exactly line up but that’s neither here nor there. Before today, I would have had a drink with them, probably bonded over sports or the weather or something, but now? Now they’ve made it personal.”

ISIS says that the terrible haircuts will continue, claiming that they have men stationed all over the United States prepared to give a subpar haircut at a moments notice. President Elect Donald Trump has been oddly silent on the matter. Many observers on social media have said that they believe the soon-to-be President has little interest in stopping this terror as he himself has been a victim for years and was never sent any government aid.