Just outside of Cincinnati in a bar owned by a former Dallas Cowboy, Tim Bergman, 46, has bravely announced that he plans to quit drinking first thing in the morning.
Bergman, whose entire identity revolves around drinking, made the announcement to a group of strangers half his age. Known around the bar as Tim “Go Home” Bergman, the announcement was considered all the more impressive since Bergman hadn’t spent a single night away from the bar in twenty-five years save for one Christmas Eve when he slipped on the ice outside of his apartment and shattered his hip in sixteen locations, which was at least twelve more locations than the medical community believed the hip to have. He was back in the bar in time for Christmas, however, to regale everyone with the story of how he remained sane while being mostly sober for six hours before his brother managed to smuggle in some vodka and sneak it into his morphine bag.
What was even more impressive was that he made the announcement while he was already drunk. Making the decision not to drink while you’re sober is one thing, but making it while drunk is another entirely. Someone that’s currently drunk is fully aware of just how special drinking is and how good it makes you feel. They say you can’t miss what you never had, but for someone currently drunk off their ass and not even aware that their pants are so shredded that an entire testicle is hanging out of them, he knew the exactly what he would be missing and made the declaration anyway. He had made the proclamation before, at least a few dozen times, but never quite so loudly or drunkenly and certainly never to that particular group of strangers.
To make sure his plans stuck, he even used a pen knife to carve the idea into the back of his hand while ordering what he said would be his final round before quietly ordering two more and leaving after being caught in the women’s restroom peeking under the stalls.