Breaking News: Why I’m Not Playing Pokemon GO


By Chunk Gutterman

You know they make that shit for kids, right?

I don’t know a Pokemon from a Digimon from a hole in the ground but I’ll tell you one thing; they didn’t make Pikachu with 30-year-old’s in mind. They didn’t think that little yellow rat bastard was going to be huge with grown men and women in 20 years. So what’s so damn exciting about it? I get that they’re a bunch of cute critters and everything, but you’re adults. Isn’t it time to grow up? Start moping around complaining about how everything’s too damn expensive, but you know damn well that it’s just the realization that death is closer than it’s ever been? That’s being an adult. Not going out in public catching Squirtles like you aren’t even ashamed. It must be nice… but it’s not right.

Go get a job, and if you have one, get a worse one. ‘Cause let me tell you, if you get enjoyment out of a game like Pokemon GO you aren’t working hard enough. If you’re still so carefree that a Rattata at McDonald’s makes your fucking day you need to get out there and do something you’ll regret. Something that will change your own opinion of yourself. Something that when you look in the mirror it takes everything you’ve got not to paint the ceiling with your brains. A real man or woman lives a life that ain’t worth living. They don’t hang out with their friends playing video games or smile, they keep their head down and they do something they hate to support a family they’ve barely even met. They don’t question authority, they respect it. They cum fast and they go to bed early. Heroes, each and every one of them.

I’m not saying I’m a hero, though I do meet the criteria. No, I’m just a man that makes the right choices in the things he doesn’t enjoy. I enjoy cool things, like movies where cars go fast and people die in explosions, because that’s what a guy like me is supposed to enjoy. The car goes vroom, everyone cheers, we go home and have dull, monotonous heterosexual sex and nobody evolves a goddam Jigglypuff. Yeah, I know what you Pokemon eggheads are thinking, “But Jigglypuff doesn’t evolve!” I know that! Everybody knows that! I’m just trying to illustrate my point that I know nothing about Pokemon.

That shit was lame when I was a kid, even. I mean yeah, I collected all of the cards, watched every episode of the TV series and kissed a picture I printed of Misty while I slid my penis between two satin pillows covered in Crisco but that doesn’t mean I was into it. I just liked the dope Pokemon, the sick battles and the great lighthearted but also heartwarming story arch. You know, that show was pretty okay, for back then at least. It’s no Hateful Eight (so cool how they kill people), but it was pretty okay for a children’s television show.

Do I miss Bulbasaur? Yeah, sure. Who wouldn’t? But that doesn’t mean I’m gonna pull out my phone and run around the damn city like I’m ten-years-old again. When I became an adult I put away childish things. Things like toys, short pants and yes, video games. Did I want to? God no. But after my parents got divorced my dad said that if I wanted to stay with him in the city I was going to have to work two jobs; his and another one I got down at the theater. It didn’t seem fair at the time, me being only fourteen and all, but it taught me a lot of valuable lessons about how the world can be a cruel, awful place but if you just keep your head down and work your ass off, everyone will screw you over, sure, but you’ll live to work another day.

They need us, the hardworking idiots out there. I’m sure it’s all well and good being one of those artsy-fartsy “oh I’m so in touch with my inner child” kind of people but where are you gonna be when it all comes down? When society puts in its two week notice? Heck, we’d be lucky if we got two weeks notice. It’ll probably be fast. It’s always fast in the movies at least.

What will all you art-types do when all that happens, huh? I’ll tell you what; become a liability to the able-bodied heroes like me! We don’t need art on the wasteland, we need people that have watched enough action movies that they could totally do some of that stuff in a pinch, they’re just never given the opportunity! You know that part in Diehard 2 when he’s hanging off the plane? I can totally do that. Ask my ex-wife. I did that on our honeymoon. She hated it almost as much as I hate Pokemon GO.

Does part of me wish that I could enjoy Pokemon GO? Of course it does. But I’ve kept that part of me suppressed for so long that I don’t know what it would look like if I let it out. It could consume me, I can’t risk it. I’ve been an adult man living an adult world for far too long. I can’t watch the news of what happened in Dallas or Minnesota or Luisiana and then look around my neighborhood for a goddam Charmander like nothing happened. I know those two things aren’t connected in any way but I just can’t do it. It would be hypocritical of me to be sad one minute about something real and then find escape in entertainment. Whenever there’s a horrible tragedy, the adult thing to do is lay down and cry, intermittently shaking until everything in the world is nice again. And that’s exactly what I plan to do.

  • Ghirahim the Fabulous


  • likeyeahwhatever

    I have exactly the same thoughts.