Just Hand Over the Country Nice and Slow-like and Nobody Gets Hurt

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By Hillary Clinton

Let’s get one thing straight right here, right now; I’m not like you. Never was, never wanted to be, and I’m tired of acting like I’m supposed to be ashamed of it.

Who do you want to lead you? Do you want some charming, homespun idealist outsider that would be a lot of fun to get a beer with? Or do you want a cold-heart intellectual that actually knows what the fuck they’re doing? I know what your heart tells you, and let me tell you something about hearts: hearts are stupid, that’s why they aren’t brains. Nobody ever says “follow your brain” and do you know why? Because most people are stupid people that follow their dumb hearts all the way to Nowheresville: Population: A bunch of dummies. At least compared to me. Am I cold? You bet. Even if my vast intelligence didn’t make me constantly aware that not only is existence a joke, it’s not even a particularly funny one, a lifetime of politics would crush the soul of just about anyone. A lifetime of almost anything will do that, come to think of it. Politics, like life, is mostly pointless, seemingly endless and boring, and I’m just so fucking good at it.

I hear what a lot of you are saying, a lot of you Bernie supporters are pretty loud about it. I think Bernie Sanders is a great man with some great ideas in that young, fresh face of his, but if you think he’s going to get anything accomplished you can forget it. Remember Obama? Remember Universal Healthcare? When he was elected, that seemed like a sure thing, didn’t it? It sounded great, too. Free healthcare for everyone! How could that possibly go wrong? It did go wrong. It’s not even close to the system it was supposed to be and because it was stunted so badly, people will have a bad taste in their mouths about the idea for decades. Universal Heathcare in the U.S. is going to be a joke for probably a quarter of a century before anyone even looks at it again, and it’s all thanks to Barry O. He tried, sure, but he didn’t know what he was doing and he kicked this country in the shins. I’m not saying it was a bad idea, I’m just saying it was a bullshit promise that he didn’t follow through on. Not like I would. You think Bernie and his promises are going to be any different? You know the first thing they do to you when they make you President? I do, I was there when they did it to Bill, and let me tell you: I don’t think Bernie could even survive it.

People often say that I am an elitist, and my response to them is, “You’re goddam right I am.” Why wouldn’t we want an elitist as our President? The President of this country better think they’re elite! What kind of moron thinks that we should have this country led by some down-on-themselves loser that doesn’t think they’re better than the average American? Where are our standards if we just want someone that reminds us of ourselves? You should want someone better than yourselves! Someone that knows the system and has your back, not because it’s her job and not because she feels that it’s the right thing to do, because it’s not and I don’t. I don’t want to help people for any reason other than, after doing some extensive research and calculations, it’s easier to rule people when they believe that you have their best interests at heart, and the best way to do that is to actually have their best interests at heart. Also; smear campaigns work wonders.

If I were President would I change the world? Of course not. There’s never been a President that has. We pretend they did in retrospect because it makes for a nice story, but it’s all just a bunch of shit that was going to happen when it happened anyway no matter who was in office at the time. You think Abraham Lincoln gave a fuck about freeing the slaves? Abe spent most of his time knee deep in PPs (Presidential Prostitutes) and the rest of the time getting treated for syphilis on his PP (Presidential Penis). He didn’t even want to free the slaves, but his assistant Jeremy told him that perhaps he should to cover up all of the creepy things he kept doing with his PP to the PPs in what was then the John Adams Tool Shed which was later torn down, rebuilt and renamed “The Lincoln Bedroom.” On his deathbed, Lincoln’s last words were actually, “If this whole assassination thing was about that slavery nonsense I’m going to be so pissed at Jeremy in Hell.” Was Lincoln a hero? No. He was just at the right place at the right time to look like one, which is really all a hero is. I am decidedly not a hero.

I’m someone that’s going to get things done. I’m like if Lex Luthor didn’t have such a hard time killing Superman. Why is he so concerned with Superman, anyway? He’s beaten him countless times and he’s done it with nothing more than his wit! He should be on the front of the comic, not the man that has to hide behind a pair of glasses when he’s not playing “the hero.” Lex stands tall with his face and his name on the line and he openly and honestly tries to kill Superman in broad daylight not because he’s different, but because he dares to meddle in our affairs. He has a place on this planet as does anyone else, but that doesn’t mean that our skies belong to him. Lex knows that. Lex is a strong, confident woman and she is sick and tired of everyone acting like she’s anything less than. She’s sick of all the Supermen of the world telling her that she can’t have something because another man stepped into the ring out of nowhere at the last second with this ‘gee shucks, I’ve just got big dreams is all’ attitude and just took everything Hillary had ever worked her entire goddam life for just because they were the new fucking flavor of the month! Maybe it’s high past time to stop going for the new flavors of the month!?

Maybe it’s time to give good ol’ vanilla a try?