If You Were Trying to Hurt My Feelings, It Worked


By Steve Bannon

You all think you’re pretty fucking funny, don’t you?

You certainly act like you do. With your “Steve Bannon looks like this, your Steve Bannon smells like that,” or even, “Steve Bannon wants to take our basic human rights away.” Grow up. Do you want to have an honest and open discussion about politics? I’m all ears. But when you attack me for my ghoulish looks or pale, pale skin I have nothing to say to you. That is clearly no place to start with an open discussion and quite frankly I’m just not comfortable sinking to those depths, no matter how much it may arouse me. Things are different now that I’m the President.

When Donald Trump gave me the Presidency I at first said in modesty, “Oh, no, I couldn’t possibly.” Then Donny insisted, I once again deflected and he said he would find someone else at which point I of course accepted the position. I’d always loved as a child earning things I hadn’t worked for and the Presidency was just about the biggest thing someone could own without working for. Most people had to be career politicians to become the President, but not me. I just needed a rich pal dumb enough to win this thing and not know what to do with it. I’ll be honest, I wasn’t a hundred percent that Donny was going to pull this thing off, especially with all of his words and actions, but I think he surprised all of us. Even if he hadn’t I also had Paul Ryan in my pocket, but he might have been a tougher sell on some of my policies.

He won, so I won. More importantly, you won. At least if you’re a white American. If not, I guess you lost, but hey, at least you played the game. I know things might be looking down for someone that isn’t a white Christian American, but sometimes them’s the breaks. Sometimes Democrats win and we get slow but steady social progress and with Republican you get a few years of back-peddling, sure, but also sometimes, if you’ve been a good little boy or girl, you get a check in the mail for a couple hundred bucks. Pretty sweet, huh? Agree with the Republican value system or not, we won this round and it’s all just a game, at least to us. I know it’s no fun to lose, I’ve done it plenty of times, but when everything in the country seems like it’s going against your basic value system you can always stop for a moment and think to yourself, “No matter what happens, I’m still a white Christian male in America.” Feeling better already, aren’t you?

We may disagree on how this country should be run, but that’s no reason to make fun of the way I look. Am I taking away people’s right to exist within our soil just because of where they were born? Absolutely, but that doesn’t mean it’s funny to say that when I take off my clothes I look an elephant clearly got a deal on his liposuction. Just because I plan to make life an unlivable hellscape for everyone that doesn’t look and act like me doesn’t mean that you’re funny or clever when you say that I look like a smell like an old sock you pulled out of an abandoned dog food factory. Just because I wake up fully erect thinking of not only the things I have but the things I’ve been able to take away from people throughout the years doesn’t mean that you have any right to say that I have a face that looks like someone that’s been in a lifelong shitty eating contest with himself. That kind of stuff hurts more than any rights I could take away from you and quite frankly, it’s just unfair.

Aren’t you liberals supposed to be nice? Isn’t this exactly the sort of thing you people frown on? Sure, you act all high and mighty when someone says something racist about Obama or suggests that Hillary would have sexual intercourse with a possum but it’s perfectly okay to call me fat? I’m rich, for crying out loud! I’m above a little weight gain here or a sourpuss there. I could buy and sell each and every one of you, break your necks and leave you in a crowded park and I’d never see a moment in jail (I know I can because I have), and you think it’s okay to insult me like my feelings don’t matter?

You think it’s easy being me? Getting up every day and Presidenting all over the place? I didn’t want this. Well, I did want this, but I thought it’d be easier. I have to read and write, for crying out loud! I used to let everyone do my reading and writing for me while I focused on the fun things, like yelling. Now? I have to do everything around here. You think this country is better without me? Fine. You know what? I quit. I’m tired of your immature japes and your sophomoric attacks on my character. I hope you enjoy an unfiltered Donald Trump, a guy I can’t evil stand to be in a room with for more than half an hour. You think I’m bad just because I’m evil? Wait to see what evil looks like when it’s also stupid, because that’s what you’ll get with Trump. He doesn’t even know that he’s a bad person, that’s how stupid he is. Me? I know. I may not care, but I know, and I do my best to keep it in check. Trump, on the other hand, could gnaw the head off of a baby at a press conference and wonder why everyone didn’t understand how hungry he was. This is a guy that was born rich, wanted to be President his whole life and couldn’t even pull it off until he was 70 and had a crack team hired to spin every single aspect of his life and most people still hate him. You want him? Fine. You can have him. I’m done protecting all of you from the dumbass, most self-destructive narcissus I’ve ever met in my life. I hope you like inaccurately muscular statues of this idiot until you’re whipped to death. You brought this on yourself with your cruel, thoughtless jokes at a man that wanted nothing but to make America safe for anyone that was exactly like him.

Still think it’s funny?