If Throwing Eggs Is Wrong, I Don’t Care If I’m Wrong

masked ma n

By “Eggy McGee”

That’s right. I’m the guy that threw eggs at that lady during Trump’s rally in San Jose. It’s my greatest achievement in life. The system doesn’t want you to know, but the biggestproblems in history were solved with eggs. The Civil War ended after Lincoln dropped an ostrich egg on Robert E. Lee’s head. And if I can’t throw things at an innocent person’s face, do we even have a democracy?

When I showed up, the peace mob was already underway. I saw Trump supporters getting punched for walking around. Serves them right. Other protesters were attacking cars and lighting hats on fire. It got to the point where it was hard to tell who the Trump supporters were, actually. I almost thought I wouldn’t be able to use the three eggs I brought with. I mean, who’s gonna be impressed by eggs once people are bleeding? I knew I needed to get them out before a car was on fire, but didn’t know who to throw them at. That’s when I saw her.

Look, I think I remember a Trump supporter punching a protester once or something, so it’s only fair that I get to take it out on people that aren’t him. It’s a protest, there are no rules. It’s about just getting out there and seeing what happens. Speaking truth to power usually includes sucker punching random people. It just does, you can’t deny it. Watch some old videos of protests from the 70’s and tell me you don’t feel like punching someone.

But if hurling eggs and slurs isn’t how we’re doing it anymore, then count me out. If throwing stuff at strangers makes me a bad guy, who’s the good guy? It sure as hell isn’t Trump. I’m not even sure it’s Clinton. And Bernie’s against throwing eggs, so I haven’t decided who’s side I’m on. All I know is, it’s the good side.

Trump may be evil incarnate, but he is right about one thing: political correctness is out of control. It’s like you can’t even be an asshole anymore. If I can’t be a total dipshit, how are we gonna wrestle the low ground from a guy who spends his days digging? This election is about a race to the bottom. And if it’s about appealing to the lowest common denominator, let’s divide by zero.

This is a race to the bottom isn’t it? I kinda stopped paying attention. I’m just here to throw eggs.