In the days that have now become weeks following the election of Donald Trump, many Americans have taken to social media claiming that they “called it”, making claims to greater knowledge than most of the American public. Many of these claims, while not wholly inaccurate, are marred by the fact that they have never stopped talking even for a minute.
A man in Des Moines Iowa, for example, David Kermopolis, said this past Wednesday, “I tried to tell you guys, you can’t say I didn’t tell you,” while heating up a Hot Pocket in the oven instead of the microwave as it made him “feel fancy.” He went on to say, “I’m always warning people about lots of stuff and nobody listens. Like that BP oil spill was going to get worse before it got better, that 9/11 was an inside job or that I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter is actually cum.”
“But nobody takes me seriously! Like how I said lizard people control the internet or that Sandy Hook was totally faked! It’s all a lie perpetrated by the Illuminati which is obviously run by Jay Z and Ludacris, NOT Beyoncé (she’s busy)!”
Mr. Kermopolis had a great deal of future predictions that we unfortunately won’t be able to post here as they are both very racially charged and somewhat detrimental to maintaining the fabric of reality that already hangs so delicately over us all. One prediction he had that we believe that we can post here, however, will be shocking to many: “On January 20th, 2017, we’re going to have a new President of the United States of America and he’s going to give a speech that, while probably a little bit racist, will also be mostly pretty run-of-the-mill. By the end of his Presidency the country will both still be intact and only a small percentage of the population will die due to policies enforced by the POTUS. You can quote me on that and I’ll take it all the way to the bank!”
Kermopolis wanted us to tell our readers that he is not a magician, wizard or leprechaun of any kind but only a man who loves his country, its rich history, and worries for its future.