I Never Imagined My Transition From Rapist To Comedic Actor Could Be This Seamless

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By Mike Tyson

When I told my friends I was going to become a comedic actor, they laughed at me. They said, “Mike, you’re a boxer and convicted rapist. People just don’t want their comedy to come from boxers or convicted rapists.” I didn’t think that was very fair. Sure, I raped someone. Whoops. But I paid my debt to society. I spent three years in prison. Do you have any idea what it’s like to spend three years in prison? Whatever you’re imagining, it was much, much worse. For example; they made us all share the same five or six bars of soap. By the time it got to me it was always only a sliver. I didn’t feel clean the entire time I was in there and when I don’t feel clean I don’t feel like myself. It was a complete violation.

When I got out I immediately returned to boxing, which may have been a mistake. Though I did learn many hard lessons in prison, two things I didn’t learn were sportsmanship and proper ear care. In prison we bite each other’s ears off all the time. It was one of my favorite prison jokes. Someone is bothering you, you challenge said person to a fist fight and then, if it looks like you might lose the fight, get in close and try to bite off as much of your opponent’s ear as you can fit in your mouth. If you get the whole thing he owes you a carton of cigarettes. The outside world was different, I learned, and when I bit Evander Holyfield’s ear the first time, I knew my mental state was in jeopardy and it was time for me to get the help I needed. Then I bit his ear again and my boxing career was more or less over. Back to Plan A: comedy.

My entire life I’d always wanted to make people laugh. I was never into fighting. I didn’t even realize that I was good at it until the first time I try to go up at a comedy open mic when this jackass heckled me and I beat them to death in front of his date with my bare hands. I was just as surprised as all of the people crying and running for their lives in the audience. I had no idea I had it in me. After he was dead I had a drink at the bar waiting for the police to surely arrest me for murder and that’s when I met Don King. He snuck me out the back before the cops came and we’ve been good friends ever since. Excluding, of course, the several decades I spent suing him for defrauding me.

After my boxing career was over, people started immediately asking me if I’d like to do cameos in comedy movies for some reason. After my role in The Hangover, everyone wanted a piece of me. I was in pointless shit left and right until I finally nailed a part in an animated series playing myself as we solve mysteries in a Scooby Doo-like fashion. I solved mysteries with my cartoon friends on a weekly basis and we did while looking suspiciously stoned. It was everything I wanted it to be before I got into that crazy professional boxing racket.

My dream job was finally mine. No longer would I have to choose between boxing and being poor. Once I got that role, I knew that things were going to start going a lot better for ol’ Mikey Tyson. I think I deserve it, if I do say so myself. Do you have any idea how hard it is to be a rapist? Not only a rapist, but a famous rapist? It stinks. I know that what I did is wrong, but I paid my debt to society. This isn’t right. Imagine going through life feeling like everyone is just thinking about what a violent rapist you are instead of giving you a chance like every other non-famous rapist before they’re required by law to tell you that they’re a sex offender.

It makes me feel so violated.