I Like My Star Wars Characters Like I Like My Coffee; Anything But Black

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By Drew Janda

Star Wars used to be one of the last movie franchises us white folk still had. They’ve taken everything from us, from the Wizard of Oz to Death At A Funeral, they’ve co-opted our cultural milestones and made them their own. I can’t identify with the Annie of today. It doesn’t even make any sense from a story perspective! Whose ever heard of a black orphan? Not me! I’ve heard of a black thug, a black kingpin and a rich black man that started poor, worked hard and eventually earned the respect of his fellow white rich brethren, but I’ve never heard of a black orphan, and I’ve seen almost seventeen movies.

I’m not saying black people can’t have nice things, just stop taking ours. White people would never do that to you! If you came up with some cool new thing, we’d be like, “Alright, good work, fellas, we’re gonna stick to our Hip Hop and Rock ‘n Roll, but we see what you’re doing and we like it.” We’re just cool like that. Star Wars was one of the last movie franchises we had. Sure there was Lando, whoever Sam Jackson played and that other fellow, but there were a lot more white people. Look at the Storm Troopers, for chrissakes. Those look like the costumes that the space KKK would have. Not that I would be for the space KKK, but I would probably enjoy their movies.

This has been happening more than you think. Sometimes, movie scripts get changed into black movies before they even come out. Take Barbershop, for instance. That movie was originally called, “Cost Cutters” and featured an all-white cast until Ice Cube got his separate but equal hands all over it. That wasn’t the first time Cube had ruined a perfectly white movie, and it probably won’t be the last. We all remember seeing previews for the popular black film, “Friday,” which was actually written as the first Garfield movie treatment, “Monday,” in which Garfield is fired from his job, gets stoned with Odie, and must help Odie pay for said weed before an infamously irrational drug dealer, Nermal, murders them in front of their families. It’s a real shame, that could have really helped put Garfield back on the map.

Straight Outta Compton has to be the worst offender of all. I cannot believe that they took the story of one of our great national white heroes, Johnny Cash, and remade it about some group of Hip Hoppers with “attitude.” You know who really had attitude? J-Cash, you pieces of shit. Like I wasn’t going to recognize the structure. They rise, drugs, sex, they fall, drugs and sex, someone dies, tacked-on ending. Same goddam movie except for one thing; yours wasn’t real. I never heard of this NWA, and now you’re telling me they were all the rage back in the ‘90s? Like I’m supposed to just believe that? I’m not some damn fool, I remember the ‘90s. They were full of Smashing Pumpkins, Nine Inch Nails and Papa Roaches, some of the greatest artist that have ever lived and will stand the test of time. You expect me to believe these roustabouts were just telling people to kill cops in the ‘90s like it was all a big joke? I think I would have remembered that. Sounds pretty cool, actually.

It just makes me so dang mad, I don’t even know what to do. Every time I try to bring this up to my friends they just laugh until they realize I’m serious then they stop talking to me for awhile. I guess people just don’t want to talk about anything meaningful. It’s a real shame. How are we supposed to make this country great again if we aren’t willing to uphold the values of yesteryear? It was a good year. Everyone was all one way and if they were different they kept it to themselves. If the differences you had were something you couldn’t hide? Well, then you didn’t get treated like a human being. It’s just the way it was. Might sound kind of messed up, but the way I see it, anything that’s good enough for Thomas Jefferson is damn sure good enough for me. If only the rest of the country agreed with me. If only they’d hold true to our constitution, which was written by infallible white men with high scruples and even more mistresses. They were smarter than us, bigger than us. Rumor has it that Ben Franklin stood at 15 stories tall and could summon lightning storms with a twist of his eyebrow. Those are the white people I’d like to be again, but we’ve come so far from it that I just don’t know if it’s possible anymore.

The white people of today are scrawny, weak. My theory is that it’s due to mixing with other races, but science can’t be sure. We need to fight for our rights. These days being proud of being white is like saying you’re proud of being a pedophile. Being white is not like being a pedophile, and I’m sick of being made to feel that way. Why don’t you ever say it to my face!? Huh!? Say that I’m a pedophile to my face! Say it! I didn’t think so. You guys make me so mad, I could just cry! Maybe I will cry! Great, now I’m crying. Thanks a lot. Now I got tears all over my burrito! It was already too salty, now it’s ruined. I’m so mad that I want to use the n-word, but I was taught better than that. You know what? I’m gonna use it. I’m pretty sure it was made to describe you guys anyway.

Ya’ll are a bunch of nincompoops.