I Don’t Suppose There’s A Sitcom Out There That Could Use A Frasier Crane?

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By Kelsey Grammer

For those of you that are unfamiliar, let me take this opportunity to introduce you to a very dear friend of mine: Frasier Crane.

At first glance Frasier won’t seem like much. He’s arrogant yet often makes a fool of himself. He’s not bold, charming or affable and he couldn’t impress a woman if he had a two cocks, one with a motorcycle jacket wrapped around it, the other a cigar in its mouth and a grudge against the government in his heart. But he could wait around until they needed a friend. Someone nice, someone safe. That’s when Frasier makes his move, and he’s the best damn rebound you’ve ever seen. The sex may be less than and the company is so-so but it’s always at least a little bit better than being alone.

When you find yourself with a blank wall that you could use a character standing in front of, think Frasier Crane. Think about what he could add to the situation. Does your show feature a bunch of working class schmoes? Have Frasier walk in with a pompous attitude and make a fool of himself in front of a beautiful woman/attractive young man. This is a surefire way to get a laugh from both the slovenly and the pretentious Frasterites, which is what the Frasier fanbase has unfortunately decided to call themselves.

Can I just level with you? I played Frasier Crane for a long, long time. So long that I feel like he’s a part of me. Hell, sometimes I feel like there’s more Frasier in me than Kelsey. I played the character for twenty years, for chrissakes. Do you have any idea what twenty years playing one character across two massively popular television shows does to a person? I’m not some high-falootin’ fancy pants Harvard graduate. I grew up on the streets. I watched my best friend die when I was eight and was killing every mother fucker that looked at me funny by nine. If I had to live in the streets you could be damn sure that I was gonna rule ’em.

By the time I got to my thirties I’d tired of the street life. Fortunately, being white, I had options. Turning to the business of show being one of them. I decided to audition for a show about people drinking at a bar in a baseball stadium or something called Cheers. I don’t remember much of my time on Cheers but what I do remember was the crazy amount of pussy it was getting me. Even more than back when I was a gang leader with the Yakuza eating out of the palm of my hand I wasn’t getting this kind of tail.

They just told me to act like a guy that owned a library card while reading what they put on these big pieces of notebook paper. It was the easiest thing I’d ever done and paid the most by far. It wasn’t even a difficult job to get, either. All I did was show up, have my gang kill everyone else auditioning and threaten to kill the casting directing if I wasn’t given the role and even more so if they told a living soul about anything they saw there that day. I don’t understand why everyone complains about the audition process. I found it as painless as it was instantaneous.

Before I knew it I was the most popular characters on one of the most popular television shows of all time, and it didn’t end there. When Sam Malone and the gang finally decided it was time to leave the air waves Frasier Crane refused to fade into that good night. The character instead moved to Seattle and started a life and show of his own. People didn’t think the move would take at first. Thinking Frasier would prove too dull to be the focal point of a show of his own, but they were wrong. Frasier along with Seinfeld, Michael Ian Black and Kurt Cobain ushered in a new era in the nineties. It was no longer the days of Sam Malone and Diane Chambers, it was Frasier’s time to shine. It was time for the Nine Inch Nails to try and fuck us all like animals, not for Sam and Diane to… do whatever the hell it was they did. It was his time then just as it’s his time now. I suggest you get on board with Frasier Crane before someone else sweeps him up.

Just think of all the hilarious misunderstandings we could all have together.