I Am Officially Retiring From Having Sex With Animals, Household Appliances

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By Jon Stark

As many of you know, I’ve had very tumultuous sexual relationships with animals and appliances in the past. If I’m into them, they aren’t into me and vice versa. In my younger days, I spent my time with animals that spent most of their time outdoors. The horse, the ram, even a ostrich or two. And there was that one marvelous night when some of the fellas and I snuck into the zoo and I met a giraffe that would change my life forever. But that was the life of a much younger man. These days, I live a man’s life. I found happiness in a marriage to a human female and a reason to significantly tone down the beastiality for the sake my children. Now that I was living a domestic life, it was time for me to settle down with a domestic animal. That’s when we got Bonkers.

Bonkers was a Golden Retriever and just about the most gorgeous one you’d ever seen. He liked me best at first, until he got to know me. Then he was way more into the family members that weren’t having sex with him. That’s relationships for you, though, isn’t it? Once they fuck you they lose all interest. I guess that, at the end of the day, I was just another notch on his kennel. Before anything physical happened between us, he’d be licking my face all day long. Then sure enough, once I gave him what he wanted, he wouldn’t even look me in the eye. It got so bad that sometimes I’d pass him in the hall and he’d growl at me. I wasn’t about to let anyone treat me like that in my own home, especially my own damn dog. I had no choice but to have Bonkers put to sleep.

After that I was done with dogs. They were just like human men. Didn’t give a damn about anything but getting their paws wet. So this time the wife and I decided on a cat. We named her BK after both Bonkers and the restaurant I proposed in. BK was a good cat but a terrible lover. No amount of hot tuna I spread across my dick would be enough to get her to make me cum. Her tongue was just too small and coarse. On the rare occasion that she actually started getting anywhere, one of her fangs would give me a nick and I’d lose concentration and have to start all over again. Soon enough she had to be put to sleep as well.

To stop my children from crying over yet another pet/lover that didn’t work out, I bought them a Playstation 4. They loved it. While it may have not held the warmth or been the placeholder for love that a living animal could be, it did have Grand Theft Auto 5, and that was pretty good, too. We let the kids play it from whenever they got home from school until their bedtime, 10 P.M. Then it was daddy’s turn. I’d turn off all the lights, take out the special extra-rumble controller/insertion tool I kept under our bed and I’d go to town on that mother fucker. I hate to admit it, but when I was with the Playstation 4 I was a selfish lover. I didn’t care whether or not it came anymore than I cared if the sky was blue. Actually, I cared more that the sky was blue. That’d be fucking nuts if it was just, like, yellow one day or something. Yellow sky or no, the Playstation 4 did not get the respect that it felt it deserved and eventually, on a night just after a love-making session involving a great deal of urine, it crashed itself, committing suicide.

The children were once again devastated and the only way to calm them down was for me to swear off having sex with anything they became attached to ever again. From here on out, I’m only going to having sex with myself and possibly my wife. That’s really up to her. I think she’s felt neglected over the years for reasons that are beyond my control. I’ve tried everything I could to cheer her up; I stopped pooping in the sink, I now call her by her Christian name instead of the C-word and I even took her to a movie that wasn’t already on TV. I don’t know what more I could possibly do to get her in the mood and I’m getting nothing over here. Nothing! Oh well. I had a good run, but those days are behind me.

Suppose I’ll just go jerk off to Lady and the Tramp again.