I Am Disgusted By The Actions Of My Fellow Nazis

By The Soup Nazi

Since the election of Donald Trump as President of the United States, many Nazis have started to come out of the woodwork in some pretty daunting numbers. From the rally in Charlottesville to every day members of 4chan, Nazis are showing a disturbing and dangerous amount of pride that, as a fellow Nazi, I feel is far from deserved. A Nazi should not be proud that they are a Nazi, but by what they have achieved as a Nazi. Being a Nazi is a real “the ends justify the means” situation and watching these kids celebrate the most shameful aspects of being a Nazi is disconcerting to a lot of us experienced Nazis because, let’s face it; a group of Nazis without a goal is just a pack of self-righteous assholes, usually with severe mental issues, hurting people to get back what never should have been theirs to begin with.

Trust me; I get it. There’s something in our genes that makes us believe deep down that the only way to accomplish anything is with a totalitarian regime bending over backwards to see to your every whim. This total control does unfortunately lead to a few bad eggs out there abusing their power and making it a lot harder for us good, honest Nazis to get by. Not that if you dragged the good name of Nazis through the mud anymore you’d even be able to tell a difference at this point. I know we have a shady past to say the least and I admit that sometimes we’re Hitler, but we can also be Oprah, Dave Coulier, Elon Musk or Steve Jobs. We get things done that decent, honest people could never accomplish in their wildest dreams because there’s nothing in us that tells us when it’s time to be human. There’s only drive, complete and total control and sometimes cancer, but we’re working the kinks out on that last one.

The world doesn’t want Nazis in their government, and with good reason. We would take complete an utter control, stepping on anyone we deem as expendable, which generally boils down to a simple equation of “not us.” But you do want us in Silicon Valley, Hollywood and, most importantly, making your soup. That’s why I’m so disappointing in my fellow Nazis participating in all of the hate across this great country.

I understand why a Nazi would be proud. I’m proud of my own work, after all. The difference is that the only genocide I’m ever going to commit is one of dull, already lifeless flavor, and there isn’t a court in the world that would convict me of eradicating every trace of it from this planet.

I know what everyone reading this post has been thinking to this point, and I suppose it’s time to address the big question: Do I hate Jews? I’m sorry to say that yes, I do. A great deal. It’s the one thing all we Nazis have in common. I’m not proud of it and I don’t like advertising it, but it is a rather large flaw in my character and not addressing it would be irresponsible. Just because I hate Jews, however, does not mean I would ever imagine using my position of power over soup to hurt one. I hate children, dogs and the concept of irony but that doesn’t mean I think they need to be hunted down and slaughtered. I understand that I live in a world where not everything is made specifically to my liking. Heck, most of you out there don’t like Nazis. I get it, I accept it, and as long as nobody tries to stop me from living my life, I leave it alone. If I don’t like someone or something I try to avoid them, and if I can’t I try to handle the situation as courteously as I can before going home and drawing a picture of how I feel to get out a little aggression. The pictures can, uh, get pretty messed up to be honest. If my home is searched following my death I want it to be known that I didn’t really mean any of them. Except for one. You’ll know which one I’m talking about.

So yes, even we “good” Nazis aren’t perfect. I can accept that. What group of people are? You lump all of us Nazis into this camp of genocidal madmen, but what about you? Mexicans love putting avocados on everything, is that not just as messed up as trying to extinguish an entire race of people from the… okay, I realize now that isn’t a great example, but you see where I’m going with this: generalizations can be hurtful. Even when they’re toward a group as hated as Nazis.

Yet you still need us, don’t you? You still buy iPhones, watch Full House and tell all of your friends you’re thinking about buying an electric car someday. You need us to keep the trains running on time, to tell you what books you should pretend you’ve read and, most importantly, to eat the finest soups imagined by the mind of man. You absolutely need us just as badly as we need you to tell us when to say, “No.” To let us know that we’ve taken things too far in our pursuit of the perfect Jambalaya, because you’re not going to get it through being nice and courteous to each other, you’re going to get it from a group of people that don’t care about the feelings of others. People that would rather watch a bus full of the most adorable collection of babies holding puppies drown in a lake that submit a subpar product. You need people like us.

The Nazis of today, though, think they need to have their voices heard. I assure you; that is the furthest thing from the truth. Be quiet, keep your head down and keep your political opinions to yourselves until people forget that you’re Nazis altogether and just admire the unrivaled work you do in whichever industry you excel at and maybe, just maybe we’ll see a day where ‘Nazi’ isn’t a dirty word.

We may not have chosen to be Nazis, but that doesn’t give us an excuse to be jerks about it.