The process of writing convincing female characters has been chronicled a hundred times over, but I’ve yet to see a single guide detailing how one would go about writing male characters. Considering that there are many more male fictional character than female, this seems like a massive oversight to me, and I’ve decided to rectify it here with a simple guide for any writer, male or female.
Describe in Detail What His Penis Looks Like
To many this will seem like a no-brainer, but you’d be surprised how many times I’ve read a story from a male protagonist’s point of view where they don’t even mention that he has a penis, let alone tell you what it looks like. If you’re writing a character from his perspective, it is both dishonest and shoddy storytelling not to have him think about his penis, at least once every third paragraph. Not only should they acknowledge to themselves that they have a penis, but they should be thinking about how it feels at any given time. Is it soft? Hard? Somewhere in between? Is it comfortable? Scared? Salty or sweet? Is his penis having a particularly bad day, or an exceptionally good one? These are questions you should be asking yourself because your readers certainly will be.
When describing your protagonists penis, you’ll want to let your audience know how large or small it is right up front or they’ll either be left wondering or disappointed later that they were imagining the completely wrong sort of penis this entire time.
Many writer’s will describe the penis as average-sized, which is also a big no-no. Average sized penises have no place in fiction because they tell us nothing about the characters personality. If the character lacks confidence, give them a small penis to express that. If they have an abnormally large amount of confidence, make the penis so large that they have to wear special pants to avoid scaring children.
Simply describing the penis as large or small won’t do either, you’re going to want to really get in their and detail that thing. Is it hairy? Girthy? Slender? When clothed does the penis rest lazily on top of the testicles or is it flopped to the side to avoid an unnecessary build-up of heat and moisture that can occur between the penis and testicles? These are questions your readers will ask if you don’t give them solid answers and the number one rule to writing is to not give your audience the chance to think for themselves.
Many Women Should Want to Fuck Him but He Shows Little or No Interest
Unlike in the real world, men in fiction should never be pursuing a woman. They should be either working diligently on some larger goal or just coasting through life thinking only of themselves. Women will throw themselves at him but he will bat them away, thinking only of either himself or the task at hand. If sex does occur between a male and female character, make sure that the woman has been throwing herself at him for at least two chapters before he gives in and finally gives her what she wants, in the way that almost no relationship between a man and a woman has ever happened in the natural world.
Make Sure He is Calm, Cool and Collected, Showing Almost No Signs of Emotion
A real man doesn’t have feelings. Not in fiction at least. If you want your character to stand out, you’re going to have to make him an emotionless void that walks through life wondering why people are so damn emotional and in many cases much dumber than he is. Throwing female characters in that are both flighty and reckless will solidify this notion as well as a few male characters that are either too thick-headed, too out of touch or just plain evil will also help to flesh out your male lead.
Men Don’t Back Down From Fights
No matter how idiotic it seems, never let your male lead back down from a fight with another character. Even if the character has a gun pointed at your protagonists face and wants something as benign as a piece of coffee cake in exchange for his life, don’t let your character give in. Women talk themselves out of dangerous situations, men fight. This is how it has always been in fiction and I see no reason to change it now. Your lead will live or die for that piece of coffee cake. Like a man.
All Men Live By A Code
Wondering where your main character gets his moral resolve? Well, so does the audience. At some point in the early chapters, you’re going to want to establish a very specific code that he lives by. Whether it’s just following the letter of the law or brandishing his own justice, you’re going to want to get specific. Perhaps he’s okay with killing people that he doesn’t like, but not okay with other people killing people he does like? It’s a common jumping-off point for many codes and a good place for new writers to start.
The Women in A Man’s Life Are Only There to Support Him and the Other Men Are There to Take What He Has Earned
All bad men want things they didn’t earn while good women want only to lift up the men in their lives to help them reach even greater heights than they were already capable. If the character is already married, have the wife be someone that forces him to watch his diet or reminds him that he should really get his gun cleaned before it jams up on him. In the third act when the gun finally does jam up, not on him but on a bad man that took his gun from him and tries to kill him, he will remember what his wife said and he will laugh, thinking that she was both right but that if he had listened to her he would be dead now, and vow to never listen to her again.
No Matter What Your Protagonist Does, It Would Be More Impressive if He Were An Alcoholic
Is your main character a detective? What if he was a drunk detective? A GOOD drunk detective? Pretty impressive, right? Not only can he solve cases better than the rest of them, but he can do it with the handicap of being blasted off his ass most of the time. While in the real world alcoholism or drug addiction would be a detriment to their ability, in the world of fiction it’s just another hurdle that they are easily leaping over to get to their goals. Other characters may question that his addictions are getting in the way of his work early-on in the story, but when he finally proves himself capable they will be all the more impressed and perhaps even offer themselves up for sex, which he will most likely then decline.
And there you have it! Everything I’ve learned about writing male characters in one handy guide. If you have an questions or comments on any of the tenants of this guide, feel free to leave them below.