How To Suck Dick

dick

While there are hundreds if not thousands of guides on the internet detailing the art of eating pussy, there are only dozens if not hundreds of guides detailing how to give blowjobs and personally, as a future award-winning cat photographer, I find this unevenness very unsettling considering the massive amount of women that couldn’t suck a dick if their goddam lives depended on it, which it almost certainly has time and time again.

When a man finds a woman that gives good head, he’s not going to let go of that treasure so easily. Perhaps because they’re some sort of garbage person that values a quality blowjob over a meaningful relationship, but either way you’ll still be alone, and who wants that? I don’t know about you, but I’d rather have a pile of garbage to hold me at night than nobody at all. Which is why I put together this helpful guide for women that aspire to give world class blowjobs to the men of their dream(s).

Look At It

Just look at it. Beautiful, isn’t it? The way it glistens in the light. That tuft of pubic hair and that oh so faint scent of balls. Wonderful, isn’t it? Get in closer. Notice the poor landscaping job, anything from razor burn to a small fire and everything in between. The way it curves left at an almost ninety-degree angle the way all penises do. It’s a modern marvel, a most holy union between God and science, if circumsized.

Did you look at it enough? If not, don’t worry. There will be a another chance in the process.

Ask Permission to Perform Oral Sex

Just because a man has his pants down and his erect penis in your face doesn’t give you an all-access pass to Sucktown, USA. You need to look him in the eyes, romantically ask him if it would be alright to put his penis in your mouth with the express purpose of engaging in oral sex. A nod of the head isn’t enough either. You’re going to have to get verbal confirmation, preferably recorded with a video device, though audio will do in a pinch if it’s a person you trust. After express permissions are granted you’re finally ready to start pleasing your man.

Put the Penis in Your Mouth

I cannot stress this enough. I’ve seen women put that thing in anything from the krook under their knee to their purse. A blowjob is explicitly a penis to mouth activity and incorporating anything else perverts it and will leave many men angry, half-naked and confused.

Act Like You Enjoy It

Nobody enjoys sucking dick. It’s a power thing. Both a woman’s power over a man and a man’s power over a woman, depending on the context. Many women will give blowjobs to someone they want money from. These women are called prostitutes and using the services of prostitutes is something of a derisive topic, in many states even being illegal. These women know the power of the blowjob better than almost anyone else and they’ve developed a skill for it that a normal woman couldn’t possibly possess. For this reason and many more, it couldn’t hurt to become a prostitute for a stretch of time to hone some of these skills. For now, though, pretending that you’re enjoying yourself will suffice.

Look At It Again

I told you that you’d get another chance, didn’t I? Well just take another gander. God, that’s a good fucking dick isn’t it? The way that vein pops out like it’s about to burst and that way it’s so hard at the base and tip but gets soft in the middle? So fucking hot, oh my God. And that sore that’s been consistently bleeding the whole time but he says is just a melted Starburst? God, it’s getting my boxer-briefs moist just thinking about it. I bet you can’t wait to get back to sucking that thing, huh? Well go right ahead.

Let Him Put His White Pee Wherever He Wants

Men love spraying that white pee stuff in some pretty crazy places when they’re done with a blowjob and you’re going to want to accommodate that. There’s nothing worse than a movie with a really great beginning and middle but a terrible end just like there’s nothing worse than a blowjob where you don’t get to spray your white pee wherever you want. Some guys like to spray it on your face, breasts or butt while others will put it on household appliances like a television or air conditioner. Even stranger, some prefer it when you swallow their white pee, pat your tummy and say, “Mmm, whose mommy’s little man? You are! You are!” followed by an adult bubble bath.

Whatever your man’s preference, be accommodating. A blowjob is a sacred trust and one that will be an important tool in any meaningful relationship.

Clean Up the White Pee After the Man Leaves

If you leave white pee just sitting around it will eventually turn into sour milk and you’ll have a real mess on your hands.

And there you have it! Pretty much everything you need to know to make your man’s white pee come out using just your mouth. If done successfully, your man will let you know. If unsuccessful, apologize profusely and punish yourself accordingly.