How to Make Money Blogging in 2016

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If there’s one thing we can all agree on, money is incredibly easy to make. Heck, I’m making it right now, this very moment, while writing about how I make money. Those greenbacks are just rolling in, baby, and I’m taking time away from watching it rain to talk to you nice folks. Why? Because it’s not fair to you.

It’s not fair that I have all this knowledge and power that I’m not sharing with the rest of the world. I’m a part of the human race and it’s about darn time I started acting like it. Now I want to make it perfectly clear that I’m not talking about communism here, no sir. I’m an American through and through if you want to make the kind of money I make you are damn well going to work for it. I’m just giving you the tools, you’re going to have to build the… blog writing place. Don’t worry, I’m not saying you’re going to have to work very hard, I’m just saying you might have to set an alarm a few days a week. Still in? I thought so.

Now I can’t make you a good blogger, but I can give you this simple checklist of things you can do to improve both the content of your blog and the amount of traffic you pull in. I can’t promise that you’ll be an overnight success, but honestly if you’re not immensely successful in 3-4 you might as well just pack it in.

Learn How to Read

I’m sure to some of you this seems like a no-brainer, but to you actual no-brainers this probably just hit you like a ton of bricks. Unfortunately, if you want to write a successful blog, you’re going to have to learn how to read as you’re going to have to proofread the blogs that you write yourself, unless you can afford an editor. If you can afford an editor, skip this step and go immediately to step 2. If you’re still here, I would suggest picking up either the works of Dr. Seuss or perhaps a Boxcar Children novel, something that’s going to be easy for someone with a limited reading vocabulary to sink their teeth into. If that’s too hard, start with trying to find Waldo as sometimes there will be words written in the background that will begin to make you start feeling comfortable with them, and finally finding Waldo can be a real treat no matter who you are.

Learn How to Write

While this is the least important step to writing a blog, that doesn’t make it any less important. Actually, I guess that’s exactly what it means. Listen, just learn how to write or don’t, it doesn’t really matter. Nobody cares about the quality of anything you write, they care about a flashy title and the picture you put with it. Most of them don’t even click through and the ones that do did it accidentally while masturbating. That is your target audience; confused masturbators. Cherish them.

Be Famous

The most important step and fortunately the easiest. Becoming famous in 2016 is an incredibly easy thing to do. Considering the widespread use of the internet, fame is nothing but one perfect recorded for film and hitting the people and places it needs to hit at exactly the right time for optimal effectiveness. Easy as pie. Just throw on a funny mask or go to any major city and video tape someone being murdered by the police. That’s how the woman that filmed the Rodney King beating, Harriet P. Gawker, built her empire. If that’s not your style, win an Academy Award or an Oscar, people seem to love those. Or shame a group of people in a poorly conceived video and apologize afterwards, that seems to work. Truly the ways to achieve fame are limitless but abundant. If you can’t figure out a way to be famous then, honestly, you don’t deserve to be. Go back to toilet fixing school or whatever you “normies” do when you aren’t doing anything with your lives.

Buy My Book

I know, I know, you feel like I tricked you into reading all of this just to promote my book, 44 Amazing Sex Positions Every Married Couple Should Try To Spice Up Their Sex Life, but I assure you that isn’t the case. I wrote 44 Amazing Sex Positions Every Married Couple Should Try To Spice Up Their Sex Life because I wanted people to feel comfortable and relaxed while they were blogging, and concurring every sexual position known to man was the best solution I had, which is why I wrote this book. To help you, the bloggers, fuck like you mean it and blog like you couldn’t give a fuck, because that’s the true secret to blogging. Don’t. Give. A. Fuck. If you do start giving a fuck, that’s when it all goes to shit. That’s when you’re just another asshole yelling into the void thinking his pointless, hollow screams are any more important than the next person’s. They aren’t. In fact, you know what? They mean less. They mean less because you think they should mean more. The guy over there that doesn’t give a damn, though? Seems like he’s got it all figured out to me, doesn’t it? He looks relaxed, stress free and at the top of his game. He looks like a man that just fucked in 44 Amazing Sex Positions Every Married Couple Should Try To Spice Up Their Sex Life if I’ve ever seen it. And I have. Every single goddam time I look in the mirror.

And there you have it! My (extremely) helpful guide to making money with blogging. I’ll see you all at the bank!