How to Fight Procrastination


As just about anyone will tell you, procrastination is something we all have to learn to deal with in some way when it comes to creative projects. Whether it’s painting a room, finally getting started on that school project or writing a guide to stop procrastinating, we all run up against that invisible wall that prevents us from getting started. That’s why I’ve set out to write this guide in the hopes of giving people a tangible roadmap to help overcome this common occurrence.

Cut out unnecessary distractions

When it comes to getting things done, nothing will get in your way more than something you’d rather be doing. In the age of the Internet, soda pop and newfangled eDrugs, there are plenty of distractions that will get in the way of accomplishing your goals. You might think yourself above these petty distractions, I know I have in the past, but when it comes right down to it we’re all creatures of habit that will rather consume than produce at any given moment. So lock up your refrigerator, turn off your modem and make sure your eBowl is out of juice before you sit down and get to work on that big project. It will do wonders not only on your productivity and fight procrastination, but will also make your work more focused knowing those things are out of reach until you’re finished getting your work done.

Reward yourself after, not before

There have been countless occasions in my life where I’ve thought to myself, “I’ll just do all the stuff I want to do now and get done with my work later!” Boy, I couldn’t have been more wrong. Once you head down that path of rewarding yourself, it’s hard to break it later and get any work done. Save the bong hits, masturbation and episodes of Murphy Brown until after you get your work done and not only with your project get done faster, but those episodes will be much, much more rewarding and you’ll feel more in touch with all the work Murphy puts into her career and even identify with her a little more. Not to mention how much more intense and fulfilling your orgasm will be knowing that you have nothing left to do for the day but get high and take a nap.

There’s nothing better for getting started than just getting started

I know this one seems obvious, but we’ve all been in this situation: you want to start getting to work on something but you’ve convinced yourself you’re “just not in the mood.” Not much you can do when you’re not in the mood, right? Wrong. Nothing is going to get you in the mood faster than going through the paces of starting a project. Just tell yourself, “Okay, I’ll write the first paragraph then I’ll masturbate!” and before you know it you’re twelve pages into your paper and not even wet/hard anymore. Or, in some cases, harder and wetter than you’ve ever been in your life because you actually got some work done for once.

Working on something doesn’t feel good, finishing it does

You’ll often feel, while working, that you’re not enjoying yourself. Sometimes aspects of a project may be appealing, but generally not everything right down to the spellchecking is going to feel half as good as masturbating to that episode of Murphy Brown. When you’ve finished/done a large chunk of your project, however, you’ll start to feel that satisfaction you’ve been yearning for. The feeling of accomplishment after a job well done is greater than just about any orgasm or eMarijuana on the market, and while it may not feel as good as seeing Murphy get hers in a male dominated world, it can get pretty darn close sometimes. And the satisfaction is yours, and not felt vicariously through Murphy.

Drink plenty of Ovaltine

Ovaltine is a chocolate-like beverage that not only sponsored this article, but is also a great way to fight procrastination. The artificial sugars and all-natural corn syrup used in every batch should be more than enough to jump-start your brain into the perfect machine that will not only produce quality work, but do so efficiently and with a release of endorphins that will make that orgasm you treat yourself to later all the more intense. Nobody cums like someone that just had a big, refreshing glass of Ovaltine!

Watch Murphy Brown

Murphy Brown is a show that doesn’t get the credit it deserves, and many believe that this lack of credit has led to society’s inability to get things done in a reasonable amount of time. Murphy was out there getting shit done even though her superiors and secretaries were getting in her way at every turn. She stood strong and took what was rightfully hers and she did it with boobs, which was absolutely unheard of at the time. Murphy said to the world, “I am not simply a woman, I am Murphy Brown, and I’m takin’ you all to Brown Town.” She then stood up sharply and shattered the glass ceiling above her, only to watch the cast of Friends immediately replace it. She showed women everywhere the light, though, for one brief second before she was done with all of the gender politics and the in-fighting, sat down and stopped procrastinating long enough to get some work done and earn her right to masturbate.

Murphy Brown showed us all the way, so many years ago. For men and women alike. She showed us that we can do better than procrastinate. We can also get things done and then masturbate like we really deserve it, like masturbation should be. We seem to have all forgotten that.