Democratic Presidential nominee Hillary Clinton was diagnosed with a cough earlier today at a CVS in Durham, North Carolina. With this condition, doctors expect she’ll only live another 30-50 years. It is unclear if the campaign has begun their succession plans, but NBC Newshas reported that Clinton has water underneath the podium at all times in case she starts coughing or is thirsty.
These developments have raised concerns from top Republicans. “Is she going to cough on Putin when she meets him? How will she shake the hand of Chancellor Merkel if her hand is busy covering her mouth? These are the questions the American people are asking. I think maybe Trump hopefully might be a better choice probably but don’t hold me to it,” an anonymous majority leader told The Trashcan.
“Drudge has pictures of lozenges. She’s hiding something. I’m going to find out, whatever means necessary,” Julian Assange said. “We’ll hack her refrigerator to see if she has abnormally high amounts of orange juice or chicken broth. I’ll get to the bottom of it, however misguided I need to be.”
“We need a President with a perfect respiratory tract. I have the best respiratory tract. Believe me. Please, believe me,” Trump said at a rally/book burning. “Some people are saying that she has zika. I’m not saying that, but it’s true. She’s got zika big league. And consumption.”
Clinton has begun making her plans for hospice, including governing a global superpower for eight years and knitting.