Harambe Returns As He Left; Publicly Masturbating in Ohio

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Earlier this year, popular Cincinnati Zoo attraction Harambe the gorilla was tragically killed when a child entered him cage and zoo officials were forced to put him down in an attempt to save the child’s life. While many at the time believed the event to be nothing more than a horrible tragedy, new evidence seems to suggest that Harambe knew exactly what he was doing, sacrificing himself to absolve the sins of mankind before ascending to Heaven, only to be reborn again, returning as he had left; a confused dude in Ohio just hanging out, jerking off.

Just as Jesus before him, the prophecy always told us that Harambe would return as a man but, also much like Jesus, nobody quite believed it. So when Timothy Cook (twin brother of famed actor/rape culture salesman Dane Cook) was discovered naked, masturbating and pounding his fists on the pavement outside of a DMV in Ohio, the people had no choice but to acknowledge that the scripture had been accurate. Unfortunately the police were a different story.

After confronting Timothy “Harambe” Cook, he was arrested and is currently in a hospital being treated for what they believe to be a drug overdose, but are in fact dealing with a man that used to be a gorilla just trying to find a little footing in this crazy world. Many concerned citizens, worried that we are oppressing yet another bastion of hope sent from on high, have taken to protesting the arrest. One local Ohio resident, Jeffrey Butt, had this to say:

“I get it, I do, you can’t just take your clothes off and masturbate in the street, no matter how much Jesus you are, but come on, man. This is a dude that died for our sins, here. Can’t we just cut him a little fucking slack?’

Those without religion disagree, saying that if every person that took their clothes off and masturbated in the street could just make claim to being some sort of deity, we would have people running around in the street masturbating all willy-nilly. Others wonder why we’re even so concerned about people masturbating in the street while there are wars happening in countries they can’t pronounce and in most cases only read in passing.

In either case, all parties hope for the man/Son of God/Harambe get the help he needs. Except of course for the Charge Public Masturbators with Capital Punishment Party, respectively.