GOP Leaders Give Donald Trump Social Security Numbers, Lunch Money

gop leadersSenior GOP leaders gave Donald Trump their social security numbers, full addresses, thumb prints, lunch money, and bike lock combinations earlier today in a closed-door meeting. “The GOP electorate have spoken, and they want me to abandon my principles,Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said. “It’s about time, frankly. And I didn’t have time for lunch today anyway.”

House Speaker Paul Ryan said, “I’ve always maintained that Donald Trump has no business knowing my social security number. And that’s why I gave him my social security card today for safe keeping. I know he told his supporters he’d look at it, but he assured me he was lying when he said that. I can only hope he wasn’t telling the truth.”

Senator Marco Rubio, once an adversary of Trump, now supports him. “I used to think Trump is a con-artist, but now that I’ve been conned I realize it wasn’t that bad and he is quite the artist,” Rubio said. “Besides, art is usually expensive. I just hope my bike is still there when I’m done congressing today.”

It is unclear what pushed them over the edge, but sources say the deal was solidified when Trump threw in free admission to Trump University. “Look, the sooner we lie back and get this over with, the sooner we can focus on the next election,” Senator Lindsay Graham said. “We’ll have hindsight in 2020. We can worry about it then. Besides, at that point he’ll be the best candidate to end the wars he started. ”

Graham was later overheard trying to convince three of his freshman colleagues to name their first-born “Donald” to stay on Trump’s not bad side. After returning from an ATM where he withdrew all his savings, Senator Mitch McConnell added, “The Republican Party is at an all time high and we’re high all the time!”

“I don’t even know where I am,” said RNC Chairman Reince Priebus. “But I know one thing, I just made a deal with Donald Trump. The Donald Trump! Where’s my wallet?”

Reached for comment, Trump made these noises, “I made a tremendous deal. Great deal. The world will look back on this as the biggest deal in American history. Deal. Tremendous. World-class businessman. Mexicans.”

The only holdout, Mitt Romney, told Trump to “go fudge himself.”