Future Trump Assassin Preemptively Awarded Nobel Peace Prize


The Trump Presidency has been perhaps the most divisive in the entire history of the United States of America and one that many people feel at a loss as to what they can do about it. Luckily the Norwegian Nobel Committee has stepped up to the plate.

In the past, Nobel Peace Prizes have been given to the likes of Martin Luther King Jr., Elie Wiesel, a whole bunch of science and math nerds and most famously in recent years, President-Elect Barack Obama. As most of you have probably already deduced, none of these people were given the prize for murdering a public official in cold blood but as Bob Dylan, a Nobel Prize winner himself, put it: “The times now are different than the times that came before. By which I mean the march of social progress ebbs and flows at different points throughout our history, and this is one of the times that it is certainly ebbing. Or is it flowing? Or should I have said “waxes and wanes”? I better clean it up for the album.”

The Nobel Commission has stated very clearly that they are not putting out a “hit” on the President but have merely suggested that were someone to kill any Hitler-like figures in the next four to eight years, they would have little reason not to reward them with a prize for helping the world to achieve peace in the face of such a monstrous person, because while murder is plainly an indecent act, allowing someone to murder others while you stand by and do nothing is perhaps even more indecent.

When reached for comment, the White House responded by Snapchatting us a video of the President, with the help of his security staff, dragging an underprivileged man and his small dog from their home and spitting on them both until someone close to the President approached him weeping, begging him to stop.