Finally Looked Up Al Qaeda… I May Have Backed The Wrong Pony On This One


By Michael Moore

Boy, is my face red.

I can’t believe I’ve spent all these years attacking this country and it’s special needs President when the real villain the whole time was the most obvious villain of all; the guys who murdered a bunch of our citizens just for the fuck of it. Our Government may do some shady things from time to time, but we don’t just murder people to get our jollies (at least not officially). I mean, these guys are real jerks! Cutting people’s heads off, sending small children to war. I even saw one video where a guy was vaping inside. Inside! That hasn’t been allowed for months over here, and we think we’ve got it rough? I’m sorry to tell you guys, but this terrorist shit is a lot more serious than I ever gave it credit for.

Al Qaeda isn’t even the big one these days, it’s something called ISIS, which I assumes stands for something. I’ve seen some of their Youtube videos, and man, pretty messed up. The beheadings are one thing, but you should see some of their food reviews. Pretty harsh. They didn’t even like Arby’s curly fries. Who doesn’t like Arby’s curly fries? Monsters, that’s who. They have a lot of clips of a bunch of the ISIS guys playing basketball, too, and they say some pretty messed up stuff. Mostly about mothers but with a homophobic slant. Personally, not my kind of humor, but it seemed to make some of the other ISIS guys laugh so what do I know? Humor is subjective, after all. What isn’t subjective, however, is what jerks these guys are being.

These ISIS guys, they’re the real deal. They make Al Qaeda look like a wet fart. You know ISIS’ goal? To bring about the end of the world. That’s some pretty serious shit. That’s next level villain shit that I don’t think any of us is ready for. Maybe if we got ahold of those Bourne or Bond fellows we could stand a chance, but I just don’t know. They’ve got plans, guns and a belief system that can’t just be bent or broken to our wills. We don’t hold any cards when they aren’t playing our game. What are we going to give them? A home? Money? What do they care? They’re here to end the fucking world, what could we possibly have for them? If they thought life was worth living, they’d live it. We’re fucked.

What did I do in response to 9/11? I blamed it on the slow kid. Real mature, Mikey. While bin Laden was on the run, while ISIS was slowly but surely gaining power among the jihadists, I was making fun of the way George W. Bush was playing golf, how he read children’s books or ate pretzels. In the meantime, here were these real goofballs running around murdering innocent people without even the decency to pretend it wasn’t them or that the murdered had committed some crime or something. They just killed people all willie-nillie! And they said it was just because they hated America! Real mature! I hate the Mets, but you don’t see me running around killing people every time they win a game! You guys need to grow up!

My next film, which I will be calling, “Terrorists: The Meanest Jerks,” is going to get into how I don’t think terrorism is an appropriate response to having your country decimated during a Cold War you have nothing to do with. You don’t like how your country was destroyed and your religion is constantly mocked? Write a letter, buy a punching bag or go for a long walk. Under no circumstances should your response be to cut someone’s head off unless they tried to cut your head off first. Even then, I’m sure there’s a better solution than to cut a person’s head off. Maybe you get his desert for the next week and a half? Or when the apocalypse comes, you get to ride the headless horse before him, even though he really wants to and you barely even care?

What I’m trying to say here, people, is that you shouldn’t cut people’s heads off. It’s gross, it’s uncivilized and it’s just plain rude any way you slice it.