Everything You Need to Know About #JeansGate

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For the last 48 hours, #JeansGate has taken the country by storm. From casual pants wearers to hardcore denim advocates, there’s not a U.S. citizen that doesn’t have an opinion about pants, one way or another. We’re here today to talk about #JeansGate beginning where it all started, with an ill-fated little boy from Minnesota named Jacob Wetterling.

On October 22nd, 1989, Wetterling was abducted at age 11 and, until very recently, was never found, dead or alive. New developments have unfortunately found that Wetterling was sexually assaulted and killed shortly after his abduction. This chilling, yet somewhat expected outcome was discovered recently amidst one of the most polarizing issues we’ve seen this year in a year full of divisive tragedies. I’m of course referring to #JeansGate.

The day that Jana Shortal decided to go with those jeans while reporting on the murder of a small young boy isn’t one that she, nor this nation, is going to forgot anytime soon. The issue is a complicated one with people generally falling into 3 camps; either they like the jeans, don’t like the jeans or don’t really care either way what kind of jeans she wears. Also a very small subset of the population believes that all jeans are evil and that those that wear them are no longer in control of their own destiny, but just the plaything of our denim overlords. These people are idiots. It’s best for everyone if we just ignore them until they die.

Many people are saying that this whole argument is silly, that nobody ever talks about the clothes someone is wearing in the history books. This world-class, renounced Super Reporter disagrees, however. No, I believe that where you stand on #JeansGate today could change the entire trajectory of your life. Maybe not in any direct, tangible way, but attacking the jeans will lead you down a path of fear. A fear of what’s daring, a fear of anything that isn’t comfortable. Standing by the jeans, and by extension standing by Ms. Shortal and her right to wear any kind of pant she pleases, or even no pant at all if she so chooses.

To help people decide which side they’re on, we’ve weighed the pros and cons below.

#JeansGate Pros and Cons

Pros

-Jeans
-Liberty
-First Amendment
-Second Amendment?
-13th Amendment
-Oh, like you even know what the 13th Amendment is? yeah, I didn’t think so
-Dope glasses

Cons

-The News
-Child murdered
-Commercials louder than program
-Light on-screen reading

  • Cat K

    I vote in favor of the jeans. Altho with the caveat that I don’t remember what kind of jeans she was wearing nor how they looked on her which does hold the ability to change my vote in this specific instance. Skinny jeans, for example, are the doing of the devil and shud be banned from wearing under any and all circumstances. And I don’t say that bc I’m not able to wear them without looking like a cow. I’m actually fairly petite. But anything you have to struggle to put on over a sock, or for Gods sake, your own ankles (and I mean regular ankles. Not cankles.), simply cannot be a good thing. And I don’t care if you’re a super model, they just don’t LOOK good! On anyone! And don’t get me started on men in skinny jeans. We’ll leave that decisive debate in England. Where it originated. But assuming she was wearing normal jeans (and assuming they were also not acid washed. Or black. Or any color except some shade of blue which only tell jeans can be IMHO) and assuming they were flattering, then 100%. Yes to the jeans. Always yes to jeans. Under any circumstance. Jeans rule. Jeans built America for crying out loud. In fact I think ALL reporters shud be allowed to wear jeans. If for no other reason than the fact that it makes them more relatable. As real people. There is only one other form of acceptable pant, again IMHO, for any woman. That being the yoga pant. And I dare any man to disagree with me. But beyond yoga pants, the answer is d) jeans. All day. Every day. Straight leg, mid rise, distressed, button fly, cut off, it all looks good and is just comfortable. And let’s not forget, patriotic. So anyone who votes anti-jeans is clearly unamerican and therefore their vote, sorry bout it, doesn’t count. #voteforjeansitspatriotic ????????