Erection Outlives Host

LOS ANGELS– Playboy founder and sex-haver Hugh Hefner has died today after a long struggle between what remained of his aging body and an erect penis that, in the end, simply overpowered him.

Hefner was celebrated around the world for his womanizing and uncanny ability to convince young attractive women to both pose naked and have sexual intercourse with him, sometimes even for a prolonged period that they called a ‘marriage.’ In exchange for having sex with a 90-year-old man, the women would get the privilege to be seen naked by men and women all around the world and even make as much money as scale while doing it.

Many might call him a ‘smut peddler’ or ‘weird old creep’ but those close to him paint a different picture. “I went to high school with Hef,” veteran and former friend of Hefner said, “Two weeks ago he tried to fuck my son’s daughter. At first I was disgusted but eventually I had to admit it was a great opportunity that would surely do wonders for her modeling career.”

There was one thing even close friends and family didn’t know of; Hefner’s lifelong struggle with his erect penis.

It’s understandable that someone would want to keep such a delicate subject private, and we considered whether or not we should even be writing about it here, andultimately decided: fuck it.

Doctors called Hefner’s disease Hefner’s Disease, as he was the first to have it. Apparently the disease worked a lot like the common cold, except that instead of bacteria attacking your healthy cells, his erect penis is attacking the rest of his body. Not for survival or revenge, but just for the fuck of it.

Medical professionals around the world are baffled as to why a penis would attack its human host, but if this becomes widespread it could be devastating to the population.

Hefner leaves behind 23 girlfriends, four mansions, six boats and a stamp collection larger than most South American countries’economy.