Direct Correlation Found Between Amount of Bumper Stickers and Inability to Converse with Another Human Being


Bumper stickers may be the best solution for shouting at strangers without rolling your window down, but studies find that the more of them you have the less capable you are of having a civil conversation with another member of your species.

Researchers in Stanford, Connecticut have found that those with upwards of 10 bumper stickers are not only difficult to speak with, but have trouble even forming thoughts of their own. “Apparently when someone buys a bumper sticker, they feel the need to constantly reaffirm to others how and why that bumper reaffirms their position,” Dr. Marilyn Stermin told us in an interview, “They may have originally purchased the stickers because they had felt that it was the most accurate representation of their lifestyle, but in turn we have found that instead of the bumper sticker representing them, they become spokesmen for the bumper stickers themselves.”

Dr. Stermin isn’t alone in this new way of thinking about bumper stickers, either. Harvard researcher Chad Dumpmeyer has gone so far as to publish a book about the phenomenon entitled Why We Bump to great acclaim from the scientific community. In the book, Dumpmeyer goes into the psychological reasons that someone would buy a bumper sticker (generally their inability to achieve or maintain an erection and/or attract a mate) as well as the reasoning as to why someone would center their entire identity around it (low intelligence). The book has gone on to become a New York Times bestseller as well as a fantastic conversation piece for people that believe that they’re better than everyone.

The pro bumper sticker community, however, does not find these new studies compelling, even going so far as to call them “stupid” or “gay.” One pro bumper sticker member, Sex Honkington, has gone on record to say, “When I created Honk If You’re Horny, I wasn’t trying to create a way of life for people, I was only trying to create an easy and effective way for fellow horny people to find each other. This was before OK Cupid or Tinder, mind you, when people couldn’t just mash their genitals against a keyboard and find someone that liked ’em.”

Whether you’re pro bumper sticker or anti, on thing is for sure; if you’re horny you should be honking.