When I was fourteen I had sex with a hole I had torn in a couch with a switchblade. I don’t know why I did it or what could have possibly led me to believe that it might feel good, but what I do know is that if I hadn’t had that Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup Blizzard from my neighborhood DQ waiting for me in the freezer, I’d only have some of my penis left instead of most.
The night before I had treated myself to DQ to cheer myself up after everyone at school saw a video of me getting caught masturbating in the library. While I still think it was at the very least extremely unprofessional for the vice principal to secretly tape then give said tape to the AV Club to edit for their mid-terms, I still didn’t come off great. Back then I didn’t know how to get a buzz going and I’d yet to learn of the cleansing power of alcohol, so the best I had to get away from it all was a cup full of frozen sugar. Then, the next morning, probably still a little buzzed from that sweet, sweet sugar high, I grabbed a switchblade out of my mom’s boyfriend’s duffel bag and got myself into quite a pickle.
With my first thrust I hit a spring and it lodged itself three inches into my urethra. When I pulled myself out only half of me came back. I didn’t really feel pain at the time, not at first, not like I would for months if not years after. I’m not sure if it was the shock or the adrenaline, but what I did feel was panic. A whole bunch of the stuff. Hard not to get yourself in a tizzy when you’re elbow deep in a couch trying to find the rest of your dick. It’s something I hope most of you don’t have to go through if you can help it.
When I’d found the rest of me, I needed some ice. Unfortunately, we didn’t have any. My sister had selfishly used the rest of it to cool her beverage. I spent a good fifteen minutes trying to get her to give me some of the ice she still had left until I realized I still had half of my Blizzard from the night before. They called me crazy for ordering the large. Well, whose crazy now!? I threw my penis in the cup and started running to the bus stop. I tried to borrow the family car but my mom said that she had wanted to go to the mall that day and it wasn’t like my penis was going to get any more severed if I took the bus. First, though, I’d have to get on it.
The driver wouldn’t let me on with my beverage. When I explained to him that what was left of my penis was inside the cup he said that I could bring the penis but I had to to leave the Blizzard. He had a cooler perfect for sandwiches and emergency limb transportation. The only problem was that I really wanted the rest of that Blizzard. Not the part that touched my penis, that’s gross, but I figured I could eat around it. I was pretty sure I could get at least 2 or 3 good peanut butter cup chunks out of there before I had to throw it away. So I decided to walk.
As I was walking to the hospital, a good 4 miles away, I picked up a spoon I saw fall out of a garbage truck and enjoyed what remained of my Blizzard. While it wasn’t my favorite Blizzard of all time, mostly due to it being a day old and covered in my own blood, it really hit the spot. After it was gone I immediately regretted not getting on that bus. Now I just had a soupy mess of melted ice cream and a dying penis. My dying penis. I tried hitchhiking, and got a couple people to stop, but once they saw what I had in my cup they asked me to get out. I get it. I really wished I had gotten on that bus.
When I finally got to the hospital the doctors were able to reattach what was left of my penis. Apparently I hadn’t gotten it all out of the couch. Most of, but not all. It kind of looked like, you know that one scene in Breaking Bad where they have the bomb and the guy comes out the door, no, that’s spoiler-y. Okay, you know in Batman how Two-Face has half of his face melted off? The head of my penis looks like if both sides of his face were melted off. I also have this problem that when I ejaculate it goes into myself and it can cause a lot of internal damage. My sexual experiences since have been difficult. My first time, me and my good friend Claire decided we’d both lose our virginities together. It was a mess. Neither of us knew what we were doing and she seemed horrified the entire time. Why wouldn’t she be? My dick looked like somebody bashed Sifl’s brains in with a baseball bat.*
After we’d finished, she immediately went to the bathroom. I waited fifteen minutes before I called her name. Seventeen before I knocked. Twenty until I kicked the door in. The coroner said she had bashed her skull into the side of the counter until it killed her. The cops wanted to know why she’d do that. I told them. They didn’t believe me until I showed them what was left of me. They took a video for evidence and to give to the AV Club to edit for their finals.
I bought two large Blizzards that day. They were fantastic. Try one for yourself.
*sick Sifl and Olly reference