Court Finds Superstar Athlete Didn’t Sexually Assault 99% of Women At Party

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STANFORD – A court recently found that All-American Ohio Junior Olympian swimming superstar and all around great guy Brock “King of Kings” Turner attended a frat party and didn’t sexually assault an overwhelming majority of the women behind a dumpster. I guess it’s true what they say, judge a book by its cover.

Before Brock Turner was the greatest swimmer that has ever existed, he lived a normal life. But everythingchanged when he was told the origin of the scar on his forehead, given a ring, and sent on a journey to destroy the evil empire once and for all and exit the matrix. After saving the world with a personal best lap time, he returned to his normal life, moving fast in water.

But his extraordinary yet brief swim career is now tarnished, like a rusty trombone┬áthat wasn’t wanted. “I’ve known Brock for 20 years and he has never tried to sexually assault┬áme,” his father said. “He always carries spare pennies around so he can leave a penny at gas stations. He even tips 15% of the time. Now he’s a ‘rapist’ just because he raped somebody?”

He heartlessly continued, “Brock is the real victim of his actions. He only eats one scoop of ice cream after dinner now. Did you know that? I bet you didn’t, because you didn’t ask. One scoop! And he says he enjoys it, but I know it’s not like it was before he violated a stranger,” he added.

But he wasn’t done for some reason, “You know, he could have gotten away if he wasn’t on land. Plus when those guys caught him, he didn’t even kill them under our family’s strict ‘leave no witnesses’ policy. We could have dead bodies to deal with, but we don’t because my son is a life-saving hero. I mean come on, he plays catch with his nephew!”

As of reporting, the victim’s thoughts and feelings were not taken into account.