Come At Me Mother Fuckers

Vice President Dick Cheney, speaks at the 50th anniversary celebration of the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency, Thursday, April 10, 2008, in Washington. Bush administration officials from Vice President Dick Cheney on down signed off on using harsh interrogation techniques against suspected terrorists after asking the Justice Department to endorse their legality, The Associated Press has learned. (AP Photo/Manuel Balce Ceneta) Original Filename: Interrogation-Tactics_DCMC104.jpg

By Dick Cheney

You goddam cowards.

You don’t agree with someone so you just go ahead and mass-murder a bunch of civilians? What the fuck is wrong with you people? Who does that? Why don’t you come take on someone your own size. Come on down to ol’ Americatown, USA and I’ll show what it’s like. I’ll knock so many goddam teeth down your throats you’ll spent the rest of your short lives shitting bone. Just me versus all of you. I’m the one you want. Let’s fucking do this.

Don’t make me come over there. I’m an old man and I get cranky when I travel. But that doesn’t mean I’m too feeble to take on you sorry excuses for human beings. “Oh, boohoo, my country is always getting exploded and all my parental figures keep dying.” Get a job. Stop complaining about the circumstances life throws at you and make some lemonade out of these lemons. Or use the lemons as weapons or something. Either way, don’t just eat lemons, folks. You deserve better than lemons and France deserved whole lot better than that.

Aside from all the Freedom Fries business and that hideous Statue of Liberty we can’t take down without looking like real jerk-offs, France has always been pretty cool. I know we love to poke fun at their left-leaning tendencies and something about how they’re all frogs or something that I never fully understood, but with our backs to the wall, we’ve got France’ back. And I, personally, am going to beat each and every one of you ISIS garbage to death with my bare hands. If you know a better way to maintain peace, I’d like to hear it. Better start talking while you still can.

I’m not kidding, get over here and fight me. If you don’t, so help me I will come over there and I will beat you in front of what’s left of your families. Why didn’t you come to me in the first place, like men? You’re pissed at America but you attack France? I know, I know, you don’t like France either, but come on. Who do you really hate more? I find it hard to believe that it’s them. France didn’t do shit to anyone, we’ve been blowing up your countries and mocking your religion for decades and we’re the Entertainment capitol of the world. If you actually hated Western civilization so much you’d try to cut it off at it’s source, but you’re all just too damn weak, aren’t ya?

You don’t really want armageddon, you just want your precious mommy’s and daddy’s back and since you can’t you’re lashing out for a little attention. Well I ain’t buying what you’re selling. Stop taking your personal shit out on other people. You feel alone and angry? Buy a NIN album or start taking sports too seriously. There are better ways to deal with your problems than by hurting other people. Trust me, I know what I’m talking about. I used to have a real problem with hurting other people back when I was President. Now I’ve found a calmness within myself. A place where I go when everything is just too much and all I want to do is start another war with whoever crosses my path next.

But I’m not in that place right now, so how about all you ISIS trash line up, wait for me to crawl out of my wheelchair and watch me beat each and every one of you until my arms end in two stumps at the elbows?

Then we’ll talk peace.