CIA Concludes That Trump Won Election Due to Russian Hacking, Comedian’s Snide Remarks

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It shocked many Americans this morning when the CIA announced their findings; that while Russia certainly did have a hand in swaying the vote into Trump’s favor, comedians stupid little quips turned out to be an even larger deciding factor.

In most situations, American fears would be happy to latch onto the idea of Russia once again becoming a significant threat to our nation, they appear to be much more eager to find guilt in those dumbass little pandering nothing of an idea “jokes” they trot out each and every election season. In the grand scheme of things, neither the Russian hackers nor these snide, childish remarks from these so called “comedy” “writer’s” had much to do with a¬†Trump victory, but¬†goddamn are we sick and tired of those whiny little trolls in their hooded sweatshirts and their erratic facial hair telling us who we should point our voting fingers at.

While Russian hacking is something the American government at least knows something about fighting, the tactics used to prevent pissy little nobodies from sticking their noses where they don’t belong within our borders are something that is still up in the air. One employee from the CIA that agreed to speak with us with anonymity said, “We don’t really know how to take these guys on, we truly don’t. What can we do? It’s not like we can take anything away from them, they for the most part have little or nothing. We can’t deport them because they’re American citizens. We can’t even beat them because they’ve all got those damn iPhones these days recording every damn thing. You know in my day we just lived life and occasional took photos with a camera but we didn’t do it out of the same thing that took our phonecalls like animals. You ask me that’s just sick. Oh, and another thing about–” It just goes on like that for awhile.

At the end of the day, being a bratty little bitch on the internet or on a microphone in front of nearly half a dozen people that can’t wait for the longest three minutes of their lives to be over and Russian hacking did not win Trump the election wholesale, but chances are it did have a little bit of swaying power leaving which is more than just a little bit scary.