Canadian Border Patrol Given ‘Shoot to Kill’ Order for All Americans Bearing Mark of the Beast


Following the American election results Tuesday afternoon, the Canadian government has issued their border patrol men and women to “do what it necessary” to keep the Americans out as many Americans have taken it upon themselves to flee their homes while they still can, leaving possessions, pets and in some cases even people behind as they do everything within their power to save their own lives. Many fleeing to the most U.S.A.-like country they could think of, Canada, but to dismay of its citizens.

Canadians, fearing what unspeakable violence, shouting and overall tacky art installations these new illegal citizens would bring to their peaceful country have decided that they aren’t going to stand idly by while they dash for the border leaving behind the shattered ruins of their once great nation to find a new life and country to destroy all over again. Like evil, faceless aliens that have destroyed their home planet in search of a new home to destroy, the citizens of the United States of America have taken it upon themselves to relocate and displace as many people as needed (again) in order to continue to maintain the creature comforts they believe they so deserve.

Many Americans believe that it wasn’t their fault that they used up all of their country’s resources culturally, morally and physically, but the fault of those that they elected into office, and, since it was not their individual faults, feel it is within their rights to take from others that had even less involvement than they did, as is the American way.

The Canadian government, however, is having none of it. Tired of being a “second U.S.A. in the case of an apocalypse” they’ve decided to finally put their foot down and shoot anyone that even looks like an American voter on site. This includes “I voted” stickers, t-shirts that indicate that it’s immoral to grab their genitals and any and all headgear that includes a curse word and/or clever depiction of genitalia. Though Canada is for the most part a non-violent, welcoming country they¬†are also history buffs and know the dangers of a sudden influx of American citizens.

“We feel for the Americans, we really do,” said Prime Minister¬†Justin Trudeau in an incredibly polite announcement this morning, “but we have to protect our citizens first and foremost. You understand, right? I’m very sorry, but we just can’t have you killing and raping everybody. Did that sound judgmental? I’m sorry if that sounded judgmental. It’s just that we get a lot of your news channels up here and… oh boy.”

He then added: “We will, however, take Bryan Cranston. We’re big fans his work on the later seasons of Malcolm in the Middle and the short-lived CBS sitcom Raiding Miranda.”