Bernie Sanders Already Boring Grandchildren With Story About Time He Almost Ran for President


The grandchildren of Democratic nominee hopeful Bernie Sanders have been reportedly already told the story of their grandfather coming this close to becoming a person that ran for President 3 times before bed on Tuesday evening, only hours after Sanders had left the race.

“I get that he’s excited to finally have something to talk about other than being a stupid Senator, but give me a break,” said one of the grandchildren, “He didn’t even get the nomination! That’s like if I said I won a finger painting contest because I turned a finger painting in that some friends thought should have won. Sure, it was a dope af finger painting, but I didn’t and shouldn’t have won. I knew I couldn’t finger paint on a professional level and so did Bernie, he tried his best and he turned it in knowing full well that he didn’t have what it takes to be a professional finger painter.”

“I get that, I do.”

Asked what he believed Sanders would do with his time now that he wouldn’t be running for President, the child said, “I dunno. Drive a car, go to the movies alone. You know, adult stuff.” At this point the child’s mother came into the boy’s room, saw that I was talking to him and began screaming for help. Not wanting to get into yet another whole “children’s rights” thing I fled the scene.

I called the child once more when I knew his mother wouldn’t be at home the next morning to finish the story. He didn’t have much to say this time, only that his mother said he’s not allowed to talk to strangers. Smart kid, but even the smartest kid in the world couldn’t outsmart a normal-brained adult. Or so I thought. Turns out he could, as he hung up the phone and immediately called the police.

I didn’t get my story, but I did get to do a lot of soul searching during my time awaiting trial before my father, a very powerful garbage man, got me off with just a months probation and I’m not longer allowed to use public restrooms. I realized that maybe I don’t want to pry into the personal lives of other people for a “scoop.” That it was wrong to harass families, especially targeting children. I don’t know. I just don’t know. But I also had a job to do.

So I tracked the kid down on his way to school and told him I’d kill his dog and eat his parents in front of him if he didn’t give me what I wanted on Sanders and the kid squealed like a pig that’s even better at squealing than the other pigs. Like, when this pig squeals the other pigs are all thinking, “Damn, dude.” He gave me everything from how many cars Sanders owns (one) to how many wives he has (one). Though it was a lot of information, it was mostly dull except for one little gem; Sanders’ middle name? Mason. Fucking gross, right?

I’m glad he’s not my grandfather or my President.

  • Bree King

    “Justin Colucci is a stand up comedian”

    Is he? If his stand-up is all as funny as this article, it makes perfect sense that I’ve never heard of him.

    • Justin Colucci

      Thanks for reading!

      • Bree King

        For real though, do you want some constructive criticism?

        End the article after this line: Asked what he believed Sanders would do with his time now that he wouldn’t be running for President, the child said, “I dunno. Drive a car, go to the movies alone. You know, adult stuff.”

        You wrote a very good article that was humorous with a natural conclusion (that point) and then took a dump all over it with the second half.

        • Justin Colucci

          To answer your question; no.