Bernie Bros: Where Are They Now?

Hard to believe that only a year ago it was almost impossible to go anywhere without having to deal with the incoherent ramblings of a Bernie Bro.

The Conservative Right dismissed them and the Liberal Left ignored them, thinking, “At least bros are on the right side for once.” but no matter what side of the argument you fell on, I think we can all agree on one thing; they sure were loud and obnoxious. Which begs the question: Where are they now?

Derek Bumbersmith

During the 2016 election in Boston there wasn’t anywhere you could go to get away from Derek’s ranting and raving about the pros of a Bernie Sanders ticket. From handing out flyers to using unethical forms of cajoling and in at least six reported instances torture, Derek would stop at almost nothing to get a Sanders vote lined up. When Sanders didn’t receive the nomination Derek attempted to take his own life. Unfortunately he failed and is currently in a coma causing a massive financial strain on his family.

Tad Snumple

Mr. Snumple was known around the Chicago area (depicted in the photo) as a drug dealer and professional child murderer. He would take any contracts on children offered to him. Price didn’t matter to this sick son of a bitch, he just loved the killing. When it looked like Bernie might get the Democratic nomination, Mr. Snumple clearly saw a bit of himself in Mr. Sanders and decided to jump on board. Today you can find Tad murdering children.

Kevin Nipple

When most kids his age were learning the alphabet or perfecting their fingerpainting skills, Kevin would hide himself away in a corner, defecate into his own hand for hours and then finally throw it at as many people as he could until the teachers had to hold him down and wash his hands. He would do this four or five times a day until eventually the school had to break it to his parents that homeschooling might be a better option for little Kevin. A year later, when Kevin was six, Bernie would run for the Democratic nomination and Kevin would be one of his most vocal online supporters. A year later he has learned to fingerpaint, read the alphabet and aged 29 years.

Jerry Garcia

Popular deceased Grateful Dead member Jerry Garcia was also a big Sanders supporter, going so far as to write a song about him that Sanders then used on the campaign trail. Today Mr. Garcia is unfortunately still dead, but his dream for a possible Sanders-filled future lives on.