Derek Henkels Archive

Petition Actually Works

For the first time in recorded history, a petition worked earlier this morning. It was a surprise to the woman who started the petition. “If I knew it was gonna work, I might have asked for more,” said Betty Polio, who petitioned the …

Nice Guy Finishes Second To Last

Notorious ‘nice guy’ James Anthony finished second to last today, a personal record. “Sorry,” Anthony said after the race. And he owes it all to another competitor being disqualified from the 5K hotdog eating contest for using performance enhancing mustard. “I feel bad …

6 Roald Dahl Quotes to Ignore

Roald Dahl wrote children’s books that inspire kids around the world, but he also had several controversial views that aren’t acceptable by today’s norms. This leaves modern parents in a difficult position. So if you want your children to idolize the beloved author, …