Derek Henkels Archive

Petition Actually Works

For the first time in recorded history, a petition worked earlier this morning. It was a surprise to the woman who started the petition. “If I knew it was gonna work, I might have asked for more,” said Betty Polio, who petitioned the government to get eleven …

Nice Guy Finishes Second To Last

Notorious ‘nice guy’ James Anthony finished second to last today, a personal record. “Sorry,” Anthony said after the race. And he owes it all to another competitor being disqualified from the 5K hotdog eating contest for using performance enhancing mustard. “I feel bad for him, you know. He …

6 Roald Dahl Quotes to Ignore

Roald Dahl wrote children’s books that inspire kids around the world, but he also had several controversial views that aren’t acceptable by today’s norms. This leaves modern parents in a difficult position. So if you want your children to idolize the beloved author, here are six …

Hillary Clinton Diagnosed With Terminal Cough

Democratic Presidential nominee Hillary Clinton was diagnosed with a cough earlier today at a CVS in Durham, North Carolina. With this condition, doctors expect she’ll only live another 30-50 years. It is unclear if the campaign has begun their succession plans, but NBC News has reported that Clinton has water underneath …

9 Forgettable Images From September 11

There are countless images from the World Trade Center attacks on September 11th, 2001 that we will never forget. These aren’t those images, so feel free to forget them. 1. It’s a beautiful monument. However, no one was looking toward this icon on that fateful day. …