CUPERTINO, CA–Tim Cook took the stage today to announce some worthless bullshit that Steve Jobs rejected 15 years ago.
Cook took the stage earlier this afternoon to tell a packed audience of tech industry insiders and reporters about Apple’s new bullshit device that nobody in their right fucking mind would ever possibly want.
“I don’t know who they expect to buy this stupid fucking thing,” said Elon Musk moments before riding a robotic slice of cantaloupe into the distance. “I’m as rich as you can get and could afford the living shit out of this thing, and even I’m like, ‘Why?'”
Many Apple diehards, however, are clambering for the device. One Richard Funknuckle said in an interview with Wired, “I’ve never not purchased something Apple has created in past and this device is going to be no exception. It does some like some real bullshit, but that just means less people are going to buy it which means I’ll get my tech dick sucked by some of those tech babes I hear about but have never seen.”
This new bullshit might not be something anyone asked for, but that has never stopped Apple in past. The company is known for introducing products that baffle us at first but eventually become an important part of our lives and some in the tech world believe that the new bullshit will be no different. Others in the tech world, however, think this new bullshit sucks shit and that Steve Jobs would roll over in his grave if he knew that this kind of shit was being put out with his company’s name if his grave had not in fact been robbed three years ago when some teenagers decided they wanted to wear his skull as a hat before masturbating into the gaping jaw and discarding the skull on the side of the road.
No matter which side you fall on, it’s hard to deny that this bullshit is coming out and many of us will most likely buy it.