Iwas at the local movierama to see Batman v Superman again but I couldn’t get tickets because the projector had a virus or something. Instead of waiting for the 10:45, I settled for a movie called Anomalisa. I’d never heard of it, but it was, without a doubt, the worst Superman movie I’ve ever seen. And I’m not exaggerating. I don’t know why they would show it. I don’t know why a studio would make it. And I definitely don’t know why actors would act in it. I’m ashamed to admit I watched it. The special effects were the worst they’ve been since the 80’s movies. Seriously, the Fleischer cartoons had more action. There were zero explosions. That’s not a typo. Literally none. The only saving grace was the sex scene.
First off, how was the viewer supposed to know what universe this movie’s in? Using context clues, I’m gonna guess Earth-Two. There wasn’t much to go on. For all we know, it could have been in the Marvel universe. It’s as if the writer and director weren’t aware how much of an impact that can have on the story you’re telling.
I went in expecting to see a fun movie where the world is threatened and Superman shows up and saves the day. Maybe it starts with him rescuing people on a boat or a train or something and then that somehow opens a door for Lex Luthor to find him and threaten the world, and right when you think Superman can’t save the day, he saves the day. Instead, none of that happened and it was about a guy on a business trip.
SUPERMAN PROBABLY TOOK A BUSINESS TRIP ONCE. You don’t think he had to go back to Smallville for a journalism convention? Maybe he’s checking in as Clark Kent at the hotel and there are some people in the pool who were drinking and had a few too many and one of them tries to jump off the balcony into the pool but he slips and Superman catches him and then one of them works for LexCorp and she makes a call and next thing you know Lex Luthor shows up and they have a battle at the hotel where he threatens the world. And then Superman saves the day. Why am I doing your job, Hollywood?
I will admit, I empathized with Michael’s desperate search for meaning in the other and when Lisa’s voice shifts, I cried. But does any of that matter if I wanted to see a Superman movie? Fortunately, not all was lost. I was able to sneak into the theater for the late showing of Batman v Superman. Now THAT movie has Superman in it.