A Beginner’s Guide to Eating Soup


Most people love soup, it’s just human nature. The human body needs three things to survive: food, oxygen and broth. Soup is one of the top five sources of broth and considered the best option by the nation’s leading Brothologists, followed by injecting it through the urethra or rectally.

Even with all these obvious benefits to eating soup, many Americans simply don’t do it because, truth be told, the world of soup can be pretty hard to just leap into headfirst. There are a lot of things one needs to know if they wish to eat soup with proficiency and many aren’t willing to go through the embarrassment of trying to learn them in front of others, especially in a public setting. Which is what brings us to this guide of helpful tips to help just about anyone ease themselves into the wonderful world of soup!

Eat Your First Few Bowls Alone

Lance Armstrong didn’t fly out of his mother on a bicycle with a needle in his arm ready to dazzle but ultimately let down the entire world and you can’t expect to do the same with soup. The first few times you eat it are likely going to be a disaster. Just about anything can go wrong and it will if you go in there with an attitude like you own the place. The first time your dick gets hard you don’t just go have sex with the girl/man of your dreams, do you? No. You stayed home and you practiced, making sure everything worked like it should before you took that shit on the road. You made damn sure everything was going to be perfect for your first night with Rebecca and you’re damn sure going to make sure you know how to eat a bowl of soup before you embarrass yourself in front of the only person that ever really knew you, back when you weren’t worth knowing.

Don’t Forget the Spoon

In polite society, scooping soup out of the bowl with your cupped hands is considered inappropriate. I know what you’re thinking, that if God didn’t want us to eat soup with our hands he wouldn’t have made them so easy to turn into cups, and I agree with you. The laws of polite society are an affront to God, but they are the laws none the less. Eating soup with your hands will lose friends and family as many aren’t as willing to live outside the rules as you are. They aren’t built for it. Not like Rebecca and I were, at least how we used to be. Not that living outside the law is anything to be proud of. We weren’t necessarily bad people, I’m not saying that, but we did do some bad things. We didn’t understand what it meant to have consequences for our actions. To feel guilt. We felt like we were still kids getting away with it, but at some point ignorance just isn’t enough. At some point, you realize that you’re choosing to look the other way when it comes to the lives you affect, the people you hurt and the repercussions you face whether it’s from outside of yourself or within. Not all of the laws of the world make a lot of sense and you may not agree with all of them, but that doesn’t mean that using a spoon makes you a liar or a conformist or anything other than someone that knows how to pick their battles. Just use a spoon.

If You’re Eating Tomato Soup You’re Going to Want Grilled Cheese

Just try ordering the tomato soup at a restaurant without the grilled cheese and see what happens. I’ll wait.

Pretty nasty, huh?

If I had to guess what has just happened to you, and I’ve seen it many times before, people at first gave you glances. They thought, surely this man didn’t just order a tomato soup by itself like a goddam animal? Then, when they realize that you did indeed order the tomato soup without grilled cheese, they will call you names, they will yell obscenities and they will spit in your general direction until you feel so much shame that you leave the restaurant knowing that you’ll never go back, but it’s not over. Not yet. You don’t know it at the time but they follow you home. They wait outside of your apartment building until you’re sleeping and they scale the wall, throw molotov cocktails through your windows while a couple of guys wait downstairs with bats for when you come running out. If you survive the fire and the beating, the police will find you unconscious in an alley with “I HATE SOUP” carved into your forehead. Society will shun you. Someone like Rebecca would never even look at you again. You would be nothing, and you would deserve it. Get the grilled cheese or stay the fuck out of this world. You’ll never make it.

Don’t Slurp Unless It’s A Power Move

Slurping is just about the most annoying thing someone eating soup can do, which makes it a great way to test the waters as to how much power you have over the people in that room. If someone calls you out for slurping, you have two options: murder them or actually pretty much just murder them. They know what they’re doing when they’re calling you out and you know what you’re doing when you’re slurping. Don’t slurp the slurp if you can’t walk the walk, I’ve always said. Rebecca always slurped her soup. She knew she could around me, we both knew who was in charge. I liked it that way. I don’t know whose in charge these days, but it sure as hell ain’t me. I haven’t seen her in damn near 7 years, but I still get postcards from just about every damn place. The last one was from Guam. Fucking Guam. I can’t say for sure they’re from her, but who the hell else could it be? I know her writing, the g that’s never quite right, the way she writes her e’s backwards and those little swastikas she dots her i’s with. Half the reason I never moved was because I was afraid I’d stop getting them, even though all they do is hurt me every damn time. Sometimes I like to think of her sitting there somewhere, eating a bowl of soup, slurping away. Pretending I’m sitting there next to her without a word to say about it.

Tell the Soup How You Feel Before It’s Too Late

You might be thinking that if soup is so great, it knows that it’s great and hearing it a bunch would be annoying, but never assume anyone or anything in this world knows how great it is. Tell soup that you love it while you can. Tell it that no matter where we go in this life, you’re always going to love soup one way or another, even if you start taking your broth through your urethra from now on it doesn’t mean what you and soup had wasn’t special. Let soup know that. After what happened with Rebecca, I let soup know that every day, because there might be a day when me and soup aren’t so tight anymore and I don’t want it out there thinking it was just a phase for me. I will take what me and soup had with me for the rest of my life just like with what I had with Rebecca. Just because I didn’t want to live the way we were living anymore didn’t mean that I didn’t love her. That I didn’t respect her decisions. It was just that I had to respect myself, respect the person I was. It was time to move on from that life for me but it wasn’t for her, and I couldn’t ask that of someone else. I could barely manage it myself. I just had to walk out when I had the strength could do it, had to leave the only person I ever loved without so much as a goodbye. I thought at first I wouldn’t be able to live without her, that no one could ever replace her. I’d never find someone that fit me like her again. I didn’t even know who I was without her. It took me years to find myself again, or maybe just even for the first time.

But now I have soup. I may not always, but we’re together for now and I’m okay with that.