Only 90s Kids Will Understand Why This DUI Is Bullshit

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Stop! Collaborate and listen to this: I was driving my Mercury Tempo home from the Third Eye Blind concert, when I hear a siren. I assume it’s just the opening to Groove Is In The Heart, but no. Turns out it’s the fuzz! (That’s what we called the cops in the 90s, because of our nostalgia for the 70s.)

I pull over, roll down my window and say “Wazzzzaaaaaaaap?” I was immediately asked to exit the vehicle. Now, I admit, I’d popped a couple of Zimas at this point, but nothing Boris Yeltsin level (he used to be drunk all the time, right?). Anyways, Detective Sipowicz over here makes me blow the breathalyzer.

Well, the thing lit up like Waco, and it turns out that my blood alcohol level was like performing a 2 Live Crew song in 1990: in poor taste, and illegal.

I guess this DUI is justified from a legal standpoint, but with all these references, I feel like a true 90s kid would cut me some slack, your honor.