7 Unsolved Murders That Are Almost Impossible to Pin on Kelsey Grammer

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Rodney Marks

Rodney Marks, an Australian astrophysicist stationed at the Amundsen–Scott South Pole Station in Antarctica, died of a sudden illness on May 12th, 2000. By the time his body was flown to New Zealand to be autopsied six months had already passed, and the cause of death was discovered to be methanol poisoning. Suicide was ruled out as a motive as Marks had sought treatment for the illness.

While Grammer’s whereabouts weren’t strictly known at the time, it seems unlikely that the stage and sitcom actor would have had time to travel to Antarctica, gain access to the facility without arousing suspicion, administer the poison and return home without anyone being the wiser, particularly Ted Dansen, who was known to ask a lot of questions concerning people’s vacations.

One mystery in the case, however, is why the American agencies refuse to share their findings with the Australian government. Could it be that they’re covering for one of their top talents during a time when Frasier was on televisions across the nation?

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Jonathan Luna

Luna was an assistant U.S. attorney from Baltimore who was found dead of multiple stab wounds inflicted with his own penknife in Denver, on the morning of December 4th, 2003, after apparently driving there overnight from Baltimore. While it was first deemed a suicide as Luna was facing an investigation over missing money at his office, the coroner found evidence that at some point someone else was driving the vehicle, leading them to believe it was an abduction and homicide.

Kelsey Grammer was, at the time of the murder, sleeping in his mansion in Beverly Hills next to several Korean (his distinction, not mine) prostitutes. According to Grammer he paid the prostitutes only to sleep next to him and to occasionally tell him he was a good son and that Frasier was going to be on the air forever and ever, making it near impossible for the police to even bring him in for questioning let alone charge him with the murder.

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Eduardo Frei Montalva

When the autopsy report revealed that Chile President Eduardo Frei Montalva was poisoned, many believed it to be the work of DINA, the the intelligence service of the military government, many others believed it to be the work of famed The Simpsons alum Kelsey Grammer. Grammer has since vehemently denied the claims, stating: “You can’t just come onto my property and ask me if I killed and Chilean President and expect me not to get upset!” He then brandished a large revolver and said that he’s killed before and he’ll do it again. Interesting.

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Barry Burton

A police officer of Raccoon City’s prestigious S.T.A.R.S. (Special Tactics and Rescue Squad), Burton’s body was found at the Spencer estate days after an operation where his unit was sent in to investigate a series of grisly murders where the victims were apparently eaten. Upon arriving at the mansion the team was split up by some unknown event, leading most of its members to be picked off one by one. When his corpse, or what was left of it, was discovered at the scene it had been mostly eaten by what seemed to be human beings.

Shortly after the body was discovered, however, the entire city was attacked and decimated by the cannibalistic tribe and the military had no choice but to destroy one of it’s own cities with a nuclear device. Kelsey Grammer was shooting a Diet Pepsi commercial in Japan at the time, leaving him not much room to first slaughter most of a special police unit and then eat most of a city of people, so the case has, unfortunately, gone cold.

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Caylee Anthony

On December 11th, 2008 the skeletal remains of 2-year-old Caylee Anthony were found in a trash bag near the family home. Her mother, Casey was caught in several lies as to the whereabouts of her child leading up to the point when she was found, leading many to believe that the mother had killed the child. A nationwide witch hunt was done in the name of “justice.” Even though she was acquitted of the charge of murder in the courtroom, many believe that she was still guilty of murdering her child.

Kelsey Grammer, at the time, was between jobs. No longer Frasier Crane and not yet a Boss, Grammer was free to spend his time however he wanted, leaving this case almost totally up in the air. The only thing clearing Grammer of this heinous crime was his lack of connection to the Anthony family, his place of residence being in California and security footage showing him arriving at a parking lot in Pittsburgh and sleeping in his car for nearly an entire month which so happened to be the span of time that Caylee was thought to have met her untimely end.

This leaves a lot of questions and many people think it’s well past time for Grammer to answer them.

LOS ANGELES - MARCH 16: O.J. Simpson and Nicole Brown Simpson pose at the premiere of the "Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Isult" in which O.J. starred on March 16, 1994 in Los Angeles, California. (Photo by Vinnie Zuffante/Archive Photos/Getty Images)

Nicole Brown Simpson

On July 13th, 1994, Brown’s body was discovered outside of her Beverly Hills home while the couple’s children were still sleeping upstairs along with her friend Ron Goldman, also murdered. After a lengthy and controversial trial, husband O.J. Simpson was acquitted of all charges and soon after given custody of their children.

Many believe that, despite the outcome of the trial, Simpson was still guilty of the crime and that his claim that he would one day “bring the real killer to justice” was a hollow one. That claim, however, was a very real one.

Using his razor sharp wit and all of the free time 33 years in prison awards you, O.J. Simpson has been connecting the dots and tying one of those red strings to another thing that goes to some more red strings for years and he’s finally closing in on the killer when he finds himself at a dead end. Back to square one.

In frustration, O.J. punches the mirror his cell conveniently has and, his knuckles torn and bloody, picks up a small chunk of glass and gazes into his own reflection when it hits him. He’s known who the real killer was all along, it was staring him right in the face all these years. He turns around and looks at what caught his eye in the reflection; an autographed poster of the Cheers cast. He looks deeper into the eyes of the man he knows killed his wife and he whispers to himself, “I’ll get you, Frasier. I’ll get you for what you’ve done to me, my family, my life.”

Unfortunately, Simpson currently has very little in the way of evidence or motive, but he believes he can bring Grammer to justice by the end of 2022, as he believes that 2’s make him lucky.

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Jesus Christ

Many scholars find it unlikely that Grammer, or anyone else for that matter, could have lived for over 2000 years, many others believe he could have and probably did.

If he had been alive the last time they were making up calendars, he certainly would have seen Jesus as a threat to his legacy. With someone running around claiming to be the son of God, Kelsey knew that his moderate skills as an actor would be seen as unimpressive and boorish, if not downright lame. Unfortunately the act of killing Christ would show in a meteoric rise in his popularity that would continue to outshine all of Grammer’s achievements for the next few millennia, despite being dead and full of shit.

  • Nicky1211

    What is the point of this? It’s humorless. I appreciate humor, but there isn’t humor in any of it. Pointless, meanderings of writing while drunk or on drugs? Maybe it’s inside humor for a group of ppl.