My Career of Announcing Trivial Things On Behalf of Archaic Institutions Is Over

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By Steve Harvey

My God, what have I done?

I have one job as the announcer of the Miss Universe pungent. One. To say the winners that they put on the cards. I pal around with the contestants from time to time on Family Feud, but it all means nothing if I can’t read the cards correctly. While I feel like I was on point with my witty, off-the-wall observations about women’s breast and being a sexy grandfather, whatever part of my brain that reads words from cards was clearly not firing on all cylinders and for that I cannot possibly apologize enough. Though I do think people may be overreacting.

While I do take full responsibility for the incident, I’ve gotta say that I had no idea that Miss Universe was going to be running such a tight ship. It’s a contest judging which woman is the most attractive for crying out loud. Who cares who really won? When I mess up on the Feud and announce the wrong name they just give the wrong family the money instead of wasting any more tape. Who cares? These things don’t really matter, folks. I’m sure it’s nice to have money if you’re poor and everything, but it isn’t the end of the world if your kids go to all the college they want to or not, is it? And if it was so important to you, maybe you shouldn’t have hung your child’s future on a game show. Not my problem. Work harder. Look at me. I worked long and hard and I got to a point where I can just coast into a long, leisurely retirement. Or at least I was until I messed up just this once. Just this once was all it took to lose the card reading job of my dreams.

I didn’t know that my entire life was one day leading to reading cards, but that’s not really the point. The point is that if you work hard in this business for long enough someone will come along and give you some cushy job just for putting the time in. It doesn’t even matter if you’re funny! I’m not! I just make obvious observation with a distinct but not particularly original personality. I’m safe and inoffensive. I replaced the guy that plays Al Borland on Home Improvement, for crying out loud. I’m not going to challenge a damn thing you’ve ever thought in your life except just how much time you’re willing to spend watching two families compete over a paltry sum of money.

Miss Universe may be a bigger deal and everything, but does it really matter who won? Not to sound sexist, but when it comes right down to it there wasn’t an unfuckable slit in the bunch. So what if the second girl was slightly less attractive than the other one? While I agree that beauty is 90% objective, when you get down to girls this hot it becomes fairly subjective.  Sure I half fell asleep while they were talking about foreign policy or what it was like to grow up wherever the hell they said they grew up, but my dick was rock hard from the moment I got the job until about six minutes ago so who am I to complain?

What was I talking about again? Oh, right, my hard dick. These girls were so fucking hot, I tell you. Sometimes I would sneak backstage to pretend I had questions to ask them, but really I just wanted to get close enough to press up against them. They would ask me to step back and I would but I could tell that if their families weren’t in the room they’d be totally into it. Normally having the families around while you’re trying to press your dick against a woman would turn a lot of guys off, but I’d already gotten used to having to get my rocks off on theFeud with the husbands breathing down my neck like fucking creeps.

I’m the host. When you come into my house you show me some goddam respect. You look the other way when I rub up against your wives/daughters and when I announce the wrong winner you don’t make such a big fucking deal about it. I know I’ve lost my job(s), so I don’t have to be your bitch anymore.

Fuck the Feud.