2016 Killer Finally Apprehended

cops

Early yesterday morning at around 12:01 AM the infamous 2016 Killer was finally apprehended in his Malibu home on charges of killing dozens of beloved celebrity with seemingly natural causes.

The killer’s identity is Jeremy Butts and the police have been on his trail since the tragic death of Philip Seymour Hoffman back on February 2nd with what appeared to be a drug overdose though the police weren’t entirely convinced. The killings certainly didn’t stop there, either. Soon Prince, Debbie Reynolds, David Bowie, Carrie Fisher, Gene Wilder and even Dave Mirra would lose their lives to Jeremy Butts, all under the guise of seemingly natural causes such as cancer, an opiate addiction, working with Richard Pryor for far too long and spending 60 years abusing their body.

Even with the death toll this high Jeremy Butts eluded police for so long because there simply wasn’t any evidence, even when they knew to start looking. Discovering when and how someone was given cancer is not exactly a hard science and Butts knew exactly what he was doing to never get caught, leaving no finger prints on the cancer, heart attack or heroin overdose, Butts was impossible to track down. Luckily the police had a break late New Year’s Eve when Butts made a botched attempt at Bam Margera’s life.

While skateboarding in his backyard the night of the New Year, Bam slipped on what was later identified as a banana peel that was lain across his halfpipe. After relocating his shoulder and looking around for some sort of Jackass-like pranksters milling about, Bam decided to look at the security tapes aimed at his premises. What he saw was a middle-aged man scurrying in the bushes, throwing a banana onto the skating ramp and hiding in wait, watching for Bam to slip and fall to his untimely demise. When the plan backfired and Bam seemed fine, the man pulled up his pants and ran for it. Luckily the security camera got most of his face and was able to identify him as Jeremy Butts.

Butts would claim that he was not responsible for any of the other celebrity deaths, that he was simply a big Bam Margera fan and he wanted to, “prank the prank God,” as he put it. Nobody bought it, however, and Mr. Butts is set to begin his trial by the end of the year. He’s being charged with 34 counts of murder in the 1st degree.

  • Wes Dickson

    Really?? No Oxford commas?
    What are you, some kinda commie?